why I love country music

OK - I don't love country music - but I love that song.

Lloyd again.

That might be my band name.

So I was walking across Michigan Ave yesterday on my way to work and looked up. That's one of my new forms of therapy too. Looking up - especially at the skyline. It is astonishing. And it is so familiar that it feels like it's mine. I grew up with it - and yes it does evolve, however it gives me a sense of place that I adore. Therefore the lyrics to the above titled song 'This is mine, all of mine...'. But then the rest of the song goes on to speculate how much his girlfriend hates him. Which sounds about right.

So I had a long weekend. I am just so bored with myself and my crap right now. Went to Life During Wartime on Saturday. The music was good and I got my groove on and got home at 3 AM. But again I was alone. So my self improvement plan included a CL ad (posted at Apple of course) to find me some boys to flirt with. I found two (I think).

My mother staged an intervention this afternoon. I had to explain to her that I have no friends. I have a broken heart. I am leaving a totally manipulative guy. I lived with my parents for 4 months while she was sick - which was cool - it was good to take care of her (and she's getting sick again - grrrrr) but now I have to deal with being totally alone. It's hard. Hard things keep on happening.

The ex is going to visit his friends in Oregon. They used to be my friends - but they chose him. You know why? Because he can't stop telling people how selfish I am. I am spending time with the dog - which is great. I love that dog so much. However, it's the weekend of the Stars show. I accidentaly mentioned it. He asked who I was going with. I said 'myself'. He replied - 'oh your favorite person'.

OK - if anyone is reading this blog does it seem like i'm my favorite person?

So - that's there (and I think he's fucking this girl he grew up with - which I am slightly relieved by). My mom just wants me to move home or go on drugs. I did the whole drug thing. I know what I'm feeling. The side effects kill me. I had to say to her that my sister really hurt me. I had 2 friends (which unfortunately is huge for me) and they both chose not to deal with me. It happens. Unfortunately one is my sister and she fucked up. I'm pretty bottled up. There's a lot of stuff going on. She talked to my fucking doctor. I'm in therapy. I do things. However, I'm at a point where I can acknowledge that I'm hurt and lonely. Why is that so terrible?

Work is interesting. My boss is a joy. There is good music in the world. I get it. I just need some fun dammit. It will get better, I know this. I do wish I was a different kind of person - but I feel things. I need to deal with things. Just because someone else (the family, the ex) doesn't want to deal with them or it works in their favor doesn't mean I'm crazy. It means I think differently. They need to get over it - not me. In the case of the ex - yeah, I'll leave if you don't listen to me. I gave you 10 years and you still don't get it. Sucks for you.