for no one

so - i'm not totally despondent - however the above is the title of my first favorite beatles song.

when i was in 5th grade i was in a 'gifted' program and we needed to show lyrics and play a song to present to the rest of the class. that was the song i picked.

god damn. did i know then?

yesterday was tremendous. i called the ex out on contacting my family. i called the sister out on communicating with the ex. i then cut the hair short and had it dyed bright red. got some shoes fixed, bought some music and recieved a fabulous book in the mail (Tete-a-Tete - it's about Sartre and deBeauvoir's relationship and it's SO GOOD). Therefore no sleep. This morning I come into work to find that EVERYONE HAS LOST THEIR MINDS. Chaos has ensued and I am so numb from everything that's happened that I'm fucking worthless.

I cut myself off from the mom & sis for a while. When the ex called me on monday night to let me know how great sis' card was and I found out that they had been in contact (and this was 2 weeks prior to the whole blowing off of the family for the holidays that i had such a hard time with) and i then found out that he contacted her...and no one told me - wow.

from what i can figure out this is what is going on: the ex has huge control issues. he is very concerned that my family has his side of the story. if he could step out of his giant (really his head is big) head for a second, could he possibly wish that my family would reject me and support him? did he think that they would just agree with them that i'm crazy and he's right about everything (which he still believes)? and then to find out that my sister might have believed that about me too - when i really don't have anyone that i can depend on...and my mom knowing about it too...they bought it - because it's what they wanted to hear about themselves. i get that. but they never even thought about me. it's odd to be the girl that they want to judge and snark about (but with my best intentions in mind - of course) and then they just forgot about how i might feel about their actions.

so i talked to the sis yesterday - she was on vacation in vegas with the sacred boy and by the end she was a weeping mess. i was strangely calm. i told her that i understood what he was doing - he's hurt but the result of her actions was that he had something to hang over me for the holidays. i also understood that probably was not her intention but everyone acted without considering that it could be thrown in my face. however, this is what he does with things i love. he either co-opts them and claims them as his own or he uses them against me. he took my life, i know i walked away - but i walked away because he will use anything to try and control me. i'm not even sure it's intentional. but he can not hang things over me if i don't let him. but to get to my family - shit. too much - too close - too painful. and they let him. he wanted her to know what a great sister she is.

oh. my. god.

she sobbed. she pleaded with me. she said that i should know that i could count on her anytime. i just said - 'after mom & grandma sick, all of this holiday crap and now this - i can't believe that right now'. she was never there. i just told her that i needed a break. i'm just so hurt right now. the past 4 months have been so filled with rejection and fear.

the boy who i loved to believe in - gone, but not before emphasizing how terrible we were together.

the boy i married - now i am scared shitless of. and i married him. oh my god.

my family - my dad would love to 'shake me and the ex so we could get back together'. my sister sends him christmas cards. my mom keeps it all a secret 'so you wouldn't be upset'.

my friends - oh, that's right. what friends i had moved away.

but what do i have in these waning days of 2005. i have me. i have a home. i have a ticket to a pretentious rock show tomorrow night. i have new hair. i have my books & music. i have the truth.

it's hard not having the love/family/friends thing - but sometimes your own being can be enough. i'm ok with that.

but i'll never claim it's easy.