there goes the fear

OK - that's a lie.

I am consumed with fear right now.

Maybe it's exhaustion, maybe it's this cold, maybe it's the mind-numbing cramps I experienced for the past 3 days...but needless to say.

I moved.

My first grown-up place. No TV reception. All of my books. A DVD player. A futon, bench and small chair. 2 saucepans and a mini griddle.

My possessions easily fit in a studio apartment.

But what do I do with myself? The holidays help in some way. Plan the family holiday party - deal with the reactions, "You really left him?"

And I have my space, my place and my choice - which is vaguely empowering - however Friday a.m. I was so upset with the boys that I chose to be involved with it drove me batshit.

The soon to be ex decided he needed to help me with the move. Dude is a total control freak. My dad of course appreciated it. I think they should get married.

The boy who broke my heart and couldn't give a shit about me....didn't give a shit and I really wanted him to walk through the foot of snow and unload and unpack all of the books that I had to move on my own. But that would be some effort. That would show some sort of compassion.

I want to know why I was so stupid to believe in him. I want to know how he sleeps at night. Easily, I'm sure.

The sad part is that I am at the point where I could really give a shit about the whole marriage thing. It's over. I chose myself. I would have either slept around some more or killed myself if I stayed in that relationship. Both things would probably have had the same reaction from the ex - anger at how I failed him, dissapointed him - how I was not grateful enough from the 'freedom' he afforded me. I became to complicated, emotionally draining and frivoulous for him years ago. I didn't need another person in my life to remind me how f-ed up I was.

But the stupid boy - oh the stupid boy made me believe again. Which was good. But he crushed me. I believed him. Why? He acted as if I was something that was so stupid.

But I believed and I was wrong. And I don't know if I will ever be able to do that again.

I don't think either of them will ever understand that I lost the most. It's all about them. Somehow the ex will have to live without the sound dock and the stupid boy will have to live without the girl who never saw him enough, but loved him tremendously. It was never enough but he assured me that it was. And I was wrong.

I'm too old to ever do that one again.