lost in the plot

breathe.
breathe.
breathe.

why is it that i am only effective in a unbelievably disfunctional environment? or have i labeled the oddly functional disfunctional and the seemingly functional should be labeled disfunctional?

i.e. - i'm great at work. terrible in personal matters.

so i'm working today because i cannot stand one more day with my family. got some interesting loot - things that my family thinks i need to survive but i can easily live without. actually i've taken the challenge of living without with some enthusiasm.

i don't really need a microwave nor cable but those were my holiday gifts...as well as a spa day that the sis got with her rewards points from her corporate card. i don't know - i feel like crap for my mom paying for my cable for 6 months and my sister makes 5x as much money as i do so it's just so bizzare that her company paid for my christmas gift. just buying my family gifts took a huge chunk out of my sad ass budget - and she buys herself $300 pants - but purchasing a gift for her sister - fuck that.

as you can tell - my sister rage is still intact. and i can really live without cable - i like listening to music and reading when i get home.

but my NYE plans include spending time with sis and the boy and i don't know how to look at her right now without wanting to punch her in the face. however - i don't want to stay home and there is rock involved and it does make me feel better. but i can't stand the sound of her voice right now. otoh i have no friends...so i don't know how i would be able to make new ones before saturday to spend new years with them. my mom thinks i should join a single's group - that would be a really bad idea. i scare the shit out of most people i know - and groups just love me. what group would want me in it - quick questionairre:
1) do you know who the apostles are? both the biblical and intellectual ones?
2) are you concerned about the corporate structure of the stores you purchase your holiday gifts from?
3) do you read everything you can get your hands on?
4) do you have problems with people who obviously don't want to deal with the truth?
5) have you ever been in a bad relationship and walked away? do you have problems with people who do that?
6) do you have good taste in music?
7) do you appreciate the everyday?
8) do you marvel at kindness?
9) do you tell good stories?
10) do you believe that you have an obligation to do something to make the world a better place?

and watch the 'singles groups' run away in fear. i'm so happy that my mother knows me so much. lets see - i just got out of a relationship that was about my changing myself to conform to another's expecations. i'm just not in the mood to have to change how i feel to conform to a group that is supposed to make me want to hang out with them.

that's the thing i guess - my family just wants me to not feel the way i do. i have to pretend that really - i'm just fine. but i'm not and i am so sick of having to pretend that it's all fine. unfortunately i know it's bad to have isolated myself so much - but if you were in the situation i was in it's kind of understandable. i know i'm not so social. but i also know that the relationship i was in did not allow for me to have other friendships. i got in big trouble for even going to shows with my sister.

what did anyone really think would happen?