past imperfect

wow. the holidays aren't going to be easy this year.

then again they never are.

well - the first hard one is that i got into it with the sister yesterday at the family holiday soiree...the first soiree where i got to be the girl who left her husband...there was a bunch of whispering behind my back. it was lovely. i however did recieve some pity burberry...the loot this year might work out for me.

i probably shouldn't have told her off in front of half of my family, bummed a smoke off my uncle phil and sobbed in the garage...but some interesting things did come out of it:

1) My mom apologized to me for taking advantage of me.
2) The sis called me out on sleeping with the oh so sacred boyfriend's brother. (and I kinda laughed in reply - she was mortified and everyone else sorta passed it off as bad judgement - which it was on my part and his part). I think I like the boyfriend more than I like the sister right now. She has to stop with this royal 'we' and 'our' shit. She is just so ashamed of her family right now and I can't handle it at all.
3) I completely lost it on my cousin. there was the whole lip trembling and swearing. I scared her.

the things that i am looking forward to for the upcoming holiday weekend...

nothing.

oh - and the other boy is gone forever. i'm kinda happy not to have to hear his voice, because i acted like a moron when i would - but my heart is not healed yet and i'm lonely and i still miss him. and i was so wrong about him and what does that mean about me? i want to trust myself again - but i really don't know what to do. and it's his birthday and he got me through the holidays last year...really. when it all got to be too much i would talk to him or hug him or laugh with him and it would feel a bit better. no more of that for me. now it's just fighting with the little sister for dumping the family on me.

hey sis: really - i know that i'm totally inconvienient and embarassing - but holy fuck - please help your mother and grandmother out when they're sick. don't go and run around with the lake forest boy ALL THE FUCKING TIME. you actually have spent more time with his family in the past 4 months that you have with your own. and your mother is getting tested for cancer and you better be sure that the boyfriend has the right suit for his first day of work...but you act aghast when anyone accuses you of being selfish. and I didn't even call you out on it...but i laughed because it was true. that would be a lot of shit to deal with on my own - however, I also left my husband a month before and you didn't want me anywhere near you because of that. it's not going to matter to you anyway.

and i'm sick and i'm not getting better.
i'm not liking this week so far.