no rest for the wicked...

or the wannabe wicked and because she's too tired she can't be wicked.

oh how the holidays continue to suck. the drama of this week consists of the pen pal relationship that my soon to be ex has been having with my sister.

i got a call monday night from the soon to be ex - actually a quite friendly conversation - he was trying to say that his life was so miserable, however the Dali Lama is coming to the museum and he's going to Greece (he's got an all-around good life) and to thank my sister for the nice christmas card.

turns out he e-mailed her a couple of weeks ago to thank her for all of the nice things my family has done for him.

which i asked him not to do.

did my family tell me? nope. they thought it would 'upset me too much'. i can deal with the truth. yes, it may hurt - however - it's the truth and there really isn't an argument with that, right? otoh - hiding things from me hurts a hell of a lot more. and my mom defended the sister to the end. i could really give a shit.

she made a choice and she's going to have to deal with the reprecusssions. reprecussion number one: i made new plans for NYE. not that she'll miss me so much - but i will be much happier not being with someone who obviously doesn't have a clue about what might hurt me. i guess if this was a term it would be the most offensive part - the 'non-thoughtfulness' of it all. did she even stop to think that it might effect me in any way? um, i don't think so. and sis - if you ever find this blog - that's the part that i'm going to need a while to deal with.

so i get to spend NYE solo at a different show and i'm happy about it. people watching, good music and beer. not a bad gig.

and i'm on a family ban for a month. they're not helping me at all. i know that i don't have any friends, any money or any potential for either - but i'm not going to be the girl that they can't even look at anymore. i can't be near them after this one. i begged for their help.

(ooh - musical interlude - elvis costello 'king of america' - i love this song)

so i begged, admitted my humiliation, prostrated myself, did home improvement projects, cooked for thanksgiving and christmas (twice!) stayed out of the way (generally) and kept my feelings aside. no more. i've got to get myself together - get legally divorced and keep my family out of my shit.

i am not a fan of this holiday season crap at all.