what i've been up to

Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner…today is catch up after being home sick for 2 days.



Thanks for the e-mail. I know that there’s a lot going on. Again, I’m really not mad at you – I’m just hurt and raw and completely fucking exhausted and in need of some help with the parents who are being crazy. It’s just been completely bizarre – trying to deal with a bunch of crap and I’ll probably be a crying mess for at least the next 2 months. Joy. I just seem to get into these situations that get so dramatic. I’ve really had enough drama to last me a couple of lifetimes. I’m serious about wanting to know how people just avoid this crap. Like the other night actually started out where I had this good will towards all and then dad pulls the line about you getting away from Damon (which is not the situation – but I am so sick of hearing it from him) and then that set me off again. It’s just funny how our roles have been defined within the family…part of me has no problem being ‘different’ but other parts of me hurt a lot from it. And for as long as I blamed myself for it – I realize that other people (sometimes our own lovely parents – and definitely Keith) like to perpetuate it.



And I’m going to be that girl at the bar for a while…I’m going to be uncomfortable and damaged and attempting to have fun. And I wish I wasn’t so aware of it. See – that’s my biggest problem right now. Sometimes I’m ok, but most of the time I’m the girl who knows how damaged I am. (therefore the night w/ Damon’s brother – one night I wasn’t too repulsive..right? OTOH, he also lives in LA and I wouldn’t have to see him ever again). That and I had an affair with someone I was hardly ever with – but made me feel good in all of the ways I love to feel good (mix CD’s and great stories). Unfortunately there’s a lot to mourn right now – so it’s just going to take some time.



And now mom wants to buy me a cat. I don’t know if I want to be the divorced girl with a cat. It seems so cliché.



The world is much bigger than all of this crap. I get that. But there is something to be said for having to get through it. And that saying would be ‘this sucks’.



-----Original Message-----
From: sister
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2006 11:35 AM
To: me
Subject:



It's me again.



I don't want our conversations to continue to make you so sad. My opinion: you have enough stresses in your life -- considering me an additional one is no good.



What I can do is focus on my relationships within the family on an independent basis. I do not want to speak through you regarding Mom and Dad. And I do not want to speak through Mom and Dad about you. That's silly and can overwhelm each of us. It wasn't just me going to dinner with Mom on Thursday evening and suddenly I think, "poof! All is fine." Though in my conversations I'm also asking and finding out what it is that they need from me to feel like all is ok. Trust that I'm doing that. I'm a little confused as to why this is a topic that overwhelms you. Is it because you feel that if I see them, it means you don't have to? Or if I'm with them, then they won't be there to stress you out? I actually asked Mom a question that might sound odd: I asked, "Do you feel as though you don't see me that much because Amy lived here -- and works near you -- so you saw her all the time and me so little?"



September though February: that time of year is always chaotic. I have six month swings around here: and until I have a new employer, those won't go away. Unfortunately this fall was the most frustrating travel/work season to date -- which coincided with the most stressful/emotional fall for all of you. While I am always distant that time of year, it was overwhelmingly apparent this year. I can't change that. One of the reason's I didn't want to talk about it is because I don't know how productive that would have been: it was just a fact -- and I want to focus on the present and the future.



So as we are within the present day: the news doesn't change all that much. The reality is that I have a minimum of two trips per week from the week of January 16 through February 20. I rescheduled a trip that was to take place over Grandma's birthday so that I would be able to stay in town -- which is fortunate, as I don't always have that flexibility. I will do what I can: and I will share this reality with Mom and Dad as well.



I do feel the need to share something about Saturday. It was hard to see you at first. (1) Thank you for your message -- it really was great to hear you were out, and (2) I'm super glad you came down to the bar. I wasn't exactly in the most happy, hyper of moods in the first place... so I know I was rather blah that night. But I think it was hard because it was the first time I had seen you since our blow-up of a conversation. I was still a little raw. And while I love you to death and that will never change, it was awkward (and something I didn't anticipate). As for the end of the night -- we walked outside, came back in go to the bathroom, suddenly Damon ran in to a high school friend and while I thought we were headed right out, it was a few minutes. I do apologize for not going back over to say hello.



Ok: the above focused on the Mom and Dad piece -- which, again, is to be handled independent of us. I felt the need for explanation of my thoughts, yet that is a relationship I'll work on with them, not with you and them. So then there's you. And I want to focus on what can make you happy. I don't want to waste any time discussing what is going on in Keith's life. That is completely irrelevant now -- your happiness should have no relation to his own personal pain or happiness. There's no need to find the grand, large goal right now: rather just on a day-to-day basis, how to trust that all is going to be ok. Like you said, you didn't take the easy way out. You have to trust that it will eventually get easier and know you can make that happen. As all the legal issues start to happen: you don't have to be the martyr. You don't have to make it easy so that it will all just go away. You are a human being that is deserving of what is right. Yes: you want it over, you want it as quick and painless as possible. But please, please, please: recognize that it is more than ok to focus on you. You are not crazy. You are not evil. You are a wonderful woman who tried to make it work, recognized it was unhealthy, and decided to move on. That is wonderful. And that garners a lot of respect.



Let me know if you need any research done, an extra body for any meetings (the topics may get both over-emotional and too detailed -- sometimes it's good for a neutral party to be there to make sure all details are accounted for), etc.



Another thing: I like movies. I know you go to movies. If you ever want someone to join me, call me. I know I'm not around all that often: yet you never know unless you ask. And outside of movies -- I can be both your sister and your friend if you let me.



I'm glad I stayed on the phone last night -- the conversation ended much better than I anticipated half-way through the call. I hope you feel better soon.



Love,

sister.