to give you something to go on...

oh the exhaustion.

i've got the full blown cold (finally) - i was so sick of fighting it off for so long. i'm so tired from all of the crap of the past month that it's almost a relief to be stuffed up, coughing, cold sore (bleech), raspy voice et al...the head swimming regardless of how much decongestant i take is a relief.

and my boy Steve is playing the song that still breaks my heart.

i need to stop looking for emotional solace through pop songs....
but the video is so good!

i went out on saturday night. a girl i work with had a party at a dive bar by my pad - a country dive bar. with a live band. they were fantastic. i actually knew a lot of the songs b/c i listen to bloodshot people. see if you actually dig jon langford & robbie fulks you'll get to know all this country crap. the crowd was kind - all the people at the party knew each other b/c they work at a bar by wrigley field together. i was the only girl who rocked the all-stars - no glittery tank top and heels for me. then again, i'm a sox fan. they were very kind people - but not a lot in common, you know?

then i ended up meeting the sister @ a wicker park bar. ok - good jukebox, cheap drinks - however - riddle me this situation:
she is there with some of her oldest friends (who i know and like) and i sit and talk to 'em. her boy is there and we get along great - but my songs finally come on and she says she has to go...and then stands by the door and watches me sit alone and listen to music.

then i get sent home from work on monday (when i started this post) and stay home sick for 2 days. i'm stuffy and sneezing and my dad calls me about doing something nice for my mom (she's getting a promotion next week) - call the sister who then tells me that she can't come. i lose my temper and the result is the previous posting e-mail transcript.

so - i'm not so hot right now. and i'm scared. i know that it's 'ok' to be both of those considering my situation - but it's still not fun. i'm 'moving on' - i went out last night with a friend from work. had some beers - pretended i was ok. this week between my body crapping out on me and emotional shortfalls i also have this unnatural longing for my dog. so now my mom wants to buy me a cat. i don't think it'll quite work right now.

how i'm self improving this week:
- resolved a debt - should be paid off in the next month and a half.
- joined a car-sharing service
- cooked enough that i could feed myself for 3 nights
- told sis that i really didn't care what she thought of me - i needed help - not good wishes...you know? like her helping with my crazy parents and not acting holier than thou when we might interfere with her travel schedule.
- not calling the only person i know who might be able to get me drugs so i could stop feeling. i dialed, i hit send, i hit end. then i sat on a stool and held the phone in my hand and waited until the clock hit 11 pm. it was the longest 30 minutes i've ever had. i know i should go back on the zoloft, but i have some medical debts and i can't afford the prescription - not to mention i can't deal with the fact that i have to go back on. i know it will help - but between the therapist and the drugs and the family crap it just feels like another obligation.
- i'm cutting off all of the people i've enabled at work. and they're not happy about it. oh well - fuck them.
- watching too many european spy movies.

i know it'll get better and all of that shit - but fuck this is hard.