pavement cracks

OK - this is how i woke up...

'This is Lin's Bin and today's letter is from 2 people, 'My Sister' and 'My Sister's Boyfriend' Dear Lin - we are so excited to go on the ski trip...blah blah blah.

ARGGGGHHHH!

I so felt like Charlie Brown. OK - I'm happy that they're going on the ski trip. But for the love of god - after brawl-o-rama last week with her about her travel schedule and my inconsideration of it blah, blah, blah...and she's going on the trip and missing out on something nice for my mom....just can I NOT hear about it for a day? One freaking day?

So this morning did not bode well. And I didn't have the best of weekends. Lots of 'feeling'. Lots of 'alone time'. Lots of doom. My mom came over on Saturday and tried to force a cat on me. Seriously. I told her I didn't want a cat. Yes, I miss my dog-head - but I'm not quite ready. She nonetheless took me to a shelter and tried to get me to get a cat. I saw the cats. They were nice. But all of the ones that I liked were either feral or came part of a pair. Therefore not for my living situation. I did have a nice conversation with her about how to deal with me right now. I don't really need pep-talks or condesending attention - 'wow - be extra nice to the divorced girl' crap. I just need people to listen sometimes and trust that i'm taking care of myself. Last week when I was sick they were all like 'are you taking care of yourself?' I really wanted to tell them that I was really shooting smack and I didn't have a cold, it was that my dealer was out of town. Unfortunately all of the drugs that I am taking right now are completely legal.

Sunday I get the calls from Grandma and Sister - 'did you get a cat?!?' Their enthusiasm was irritating. No, I chose not to get a cat right now. Yes, I am sad and lonely. Yes, I am doing things about that. But it's not easy and I wish that could be acknowledged. Again, another situation where I wish that I had drugs.

But I am having a good day at work. Surprisingly. One of the most evil women that works here is quitting. There has been dancing. One of the situations where there might actually be a 'gone' party. Yay us. I had to suffer through 2 horrid bosses and now I have 2 good ones. Some things change in a year. Shit, lotsa stuff changes in a year.

Next on the self-improvement plan:
- Taking thursday off to go to the spa. That and I accidently worked on 'observed' christmas so I have a free day off.
- I'm contemplating going to a show tonight. We are Scientists or Bobby Conn. Hmmmm.
- Trying to find a constructive way to deal with heartbreak. I don't know what to do about the other boy. Everytime I think I'm OK something, somewhere reminds me of him. Get an e-mail about transit benefits, his name is there. People still ask me about him. I need it to stop. He obviously does not care. He is my Nelson Algren. I think he'll give me bad reviews for the rest of my life no matter how fondly I think of him. Problem is - like Nelson Algren - he's a part of my Chicago. But there's nothing there. How could I have been so wrong? I still want to believe that joy and love is worth all of the sacrifice. But I put everything on the line and I ended up on my own. No joy, no love - just me being harassed about my pet preferences.