underdog victorious

So - the weekend is over and I must say it was the best weekend i've had for a while. I met the boy from CL - and we're going bowling on Wednesday. Good for me. He's nice and sends good e-mails. OK - it was 13 pages of e-mails before we met. And that was only over 4 days. Yikes.

So what should I do? I'm such a sucker i'm afraid i'd just jump him if I had the chance. Probably not a great idea for the whole long term friendship thing. Because I don't need another disaster relationship - I need a friend. Is it too much to ask for a friend I can make out with? Not to be totally disrespectful - like how do you deal with the whole FWB thing? Is that even an option today? Should you be exclusive?

Bleech.

Anyhow - it seems that he's going through disaster breakup as well, which is fun. I told him some stories of the ex (especially having to move out by a certain time b/c of the party he was having that night) and he laughed. See, the best part is that it was really that bad. The ex is really that much of a nightmare. And if I disclose the other boy's behavior - ha! Can't wait for that reaction. Then again, the reaction to me will probably be not so good as well. Have I built up enough karma regarding the whole situation that I won't be the villan anymore? Not that I was the villan so much, but I was the only responsible party. He fucked up too. He chose to be with me. Then he bailed and wants to pretend that it's all just a terrible thing. He seemed to get some not so terrible stuff from it. I just lost everything I had. What did he lose? Oh, that's right - nothing. Just me and I obviously am nothing to him.

So the new boy wants to go bowling with me. I can bring my leopard spotted bowling bag. And my bowling ball has my name on it - in cursive.

This is a really big deal that I'm doing this. I don't do this - and it's good that I finally am. So there.

Oh - and work is cra-zy. I might get promoted. Wish me luck.

really quick...

Read that.



Then read that.



OMG - I just linked.

I'm meeting a boy for coffee on Saturday. Wow.

why I love country music

OK - I don't love country music - but I love that song.

Lloyd again.

That might be my band name.

So I was walking across Michigan Ave yesterday on my way to work and looked up. That's one of my new forms of therapy too. Looking up - especially at the skyline. It is astonishing. And it is so familiar that it feels like it's mine. I grew up with it - and yes it does evolve, however it gives me a sense of place that I adore. Therefore the lyrics to the above titled song 'This is mine, all of mine...'. But then the rest of the song goes on to speculate how much his girlfriend hates him. Which sounds about right.

So I had a long weekend. I am just so bored with myself and my crap right now. Went to Life During Wartime on Saturday. The music was good and I got my groove on and got home at 3 AM. But again I was alone. So my self improvement plan included a CL ad (posted at Apple of course) to find me some boys to flirt with. I found two (I think).

My mother staged an intervention this afternoon. I had to explain to her that I have no friends. I have a broken heart. I am leaving a totally manipulative guy. I lived with my parents for 4 months while she was sick - which was cool - it was good to take care of her (and she's getting sick again - grrrrr) but now I have to deal with being totally alone. It's hard. Hard things keep on happening.

The ex is going to visit his friends in Oregon. They used to be my friends - but they chose him. You know why? Because he can't stop telling people how selfish I am. I am spending time with the dog - which is great. I love that dog so much. However, it's the weekend of the Stars show. I accidentaly mentioned it. He asked who I was going with. I said 'myself'. He replied - 'oh your favorite person'.

OK - if anyone is reading this blog does it seem like i'm my favorite person?

So - that's there (and I think he's fucking this girl he grew up with - which I am slightly relieved by). My mom just wants me to move home or go on drugs. I did the whole drug thing. I know what I'm feeling. The side effects kill me. I had to say to her that my sister really hurt me. I had 2 friends (which unfortunately is huge for me) and they both chose not to deal with me. It happens. Unfortunately one is my sister and she fucked up. I'm pretty bottled up. There's a lot of stuff going on. She talked to my fucking doctor. I'm in therapy. I do things. However, I'm at a point where I can acknowledge that I'm hurt and lonely. Why is that so terrible?

Work is interesting. My boss is a joy. There is good music in the world. I get it. I just need some fun dammit. It will get better, I know this. I do wish I was a different kind of person - but I feel things. I need to deal with things. Just because someone else (the family, the ex) doesn't want to deal with them or it works in their favor doesn't mean I'm crazy. It means I think differently. They need to get over it - not me. In the case of the ex - yeah, I'll leave if you don't listen to me. I gave you 10 years and you still don't get it. Sucks for you.

Number 1

OK - let us contemplate moments of weakness over the past 18-19 days...and the effects of said moments:

Yeah, I called the evil boy who doesn't give a shit about me on NYE. Now why would I do something so stupid?
1) I was drinking. Whiskey. By Myself. On New Year's Eve.
2) Because I could. Really. No sneaking around, no whispering, no hiding. There was a good song playing and I could call him and not get in trouble. So there.

Now, random phone calls with songs playing is a bit stalkerish - I know. OTOH there is quite a bit of Wolf Parade history.

Now I just sound pathetic. Just go with the above 2 reasons.

So - result of my actions - get this - I'm wallowing in self pity (surprise, surprise) and for some reason read all of these old e-mails from him (where I swear he liked me and even the ones where he didn't like me so much) and decide to check his blog to infuriate myself because that's what people like me do when they want to hate themselves some more. And there's a message to me. Something about someone leaving a Wolf Parade message on his VM (btw - I just dialed the phone drunk and held it up to play the music and then hung up - no words, I swear) and if it is the one person he knows who might do that...they should stop reading and never come back again b/c there is nothing for that person (me) there.

No shit. I knew that in April when I found it. Jackass.

However - here's when things get super funny. When was this lovely note to me published? The night I went apeshit on my sister and stared at the phone for 30 minutes rather than call him to get me drugs. God I'm happy I had the small bit of self worth to not call him. I still wish I had the drugs.

Next up - the soon to be ex and his amazing professional life. He met Yo Yo Ma last night. The Dali Lama is coming to his place of employment. He's been invited to Athens and Scotland this spring. And the friends that picked him instead of me when we split up are flying him out to Portland in the spring. I get my dog back for 4 days. I have to see him tonight to get some money. I still won't tell him my new address.

And now I'm getting sent home from work. I'm accruing too much OT. So I have the next 2 days off. You know, I'd rather come to work. It's something to do.

Tomorrow is the party for my mom. And the spa. God I miss baseball. I would kill for an excuse to get drunk during the day on Friday.

I need to drink more.

2 beers on monday night knocked me out good. And i'm too skinny right now - I could use a beer gut.

And more of the SXSW listings came out today. Goldfrapp - Number 1 is my new favorite disco song. They're playing. Oxford Collapse is playing. The Magic Numbers are playing. Battle is playing. The Editors are playing. Guess who's going? THE EVIL SISTER. Steve Lamacq will be there. I told her that I didn't hear her thing on the radio. She e-mailed me the link. I can't escape it. I swear this doesn't happen to other people.

BUT - maybe i'll go and get Artic Monkeys tix on Friday w/ the money that the ex owes me (and he makes 3x as much as I do which is even more fucked up). It's an all ages show @ Metro and I was getting pissy about it until I realized that the band themselves are 19. They can't play 21+ shows.

And Stars are in town on 2/17. Watch me be a raging maniac and sing all of the songs aloud. I like because there are girl parts and boy parts that I actually change my voice depending on who's singing.

Anywho - if anyone reads this do something fun this weekend. I'm going to try and cause trouble. I need some of that.

we are scientists vs. oxford collapse

I vote OC. The reasons why:

1) W.A.S. sounds like a combination of Green Day and the Killers. As a 3 piece. O.C. sounds like The Feelies and some other mid-80's really rhythmic, pop possible Jonathan Demme wacky movie soundtrack band.

2) W.A.S. attracts a bad bad crowd. It was a small club, yes. O.C. was good and the crowd was into it. W.A.S. attracted traders who spoke of $300,000 bonuses and shoved shorter girls (a.k.a. ME) aside. Or frat-boy boyfriends who shoved me back for their trixie girlfriends.

3) RE: W.A.S. - I've now seen the video, listened to them on BBC6 and seen them live. They're OK. I just can't see all the hype. O.C. was hyped via pitchfork - and I agreed. W.A.S. acknowledged at least that pitchfork should be grateful that they brought O.C. out with them.

I just got into it with a bunch of my co-workers. Bleech. I feel like I've invested a lot of my time into the employees that I work with. When the HR department makes their lives harder and I call them on it attacking me doesn't help. If you didn't check someone's references when they started work 4 MONTHS AGO - please do not act holier than thou when I tell you that you are hurting other employee's main jobs. You hired people without checking their references. Do not be angry at me about it.

pavement cracks

OK - this is how i woke up...

'This is Lin's Bin and today's letter is from 2 people, 'My Sister' and 'My Sister's Boyfriend' Dear Lin - we are so excited to go on the ski trip...blah blah blah.

ARGGGGHHHH!

I so felt like Charlie Brown. OK - I'm happy that they're going on the ski trip. But for the love of god - after brawl-o-rama last week with her about her travel schedule and my inconsideration of it blah, blah, blah...and she's going on the trip and missing out on something nice for my mom....just can I NOT hear about it for a day? One freaking day?

So this morning did not bode well. And I didn't have the best of weekends. Lots of 'feeling'. Lots of 'alone time'. Lots of doom. My mom came over on Saturday and tried to force a cat on me. Seriously. I told her I didn't want a cat. Yes, I miss my dog-head - but I'm not quite ready. She nonetheless took me to a shelter and tried to get me to get a cat. I saw the cats. They were nice. But all of the ones that I liked were either feral or came part of a pair. Therefore not for my living situation. I did have a nice conversation with her about how to deal with me right now. I don't really need pep-talks or condesending attention - 'wow - be extra nice to the divorced girl' crap. I just need people to listen sometimes and trust that i'm taking care of myself. Last week when I was sick they were all like 'are you taking care of yourself?' I really wanted to tell them that I was really shooting smack and I didn't have a cold, it was that my dealer was out of town. Unfortunately all of the drugs that I am taking right now are completely legal.

Sunday I get the calls from Grandma and Sister - 'did you get a cat?!?' Their enthusiasm was irritating. No, I chose not to get a cat right now. Yes, I am sad and lonely. Yes, I am doing things about that. But it's not easy and I wish that could be acknowledged. Again, another situation where I wish that I had drugs.

But I am having a good day at work. Surprisingly. One of the most evil women that works here is quitting. There has been dancing. One of the situations where there might actually be a 'gone' party. Yay us. I had to suffer through 2 horrid bosses and now I have 2 good ones. Some things change in a year. Shit, lotsa stuff changes in a year.

Next on the self-improvement plan:
- Taking thursday off to go to the spa. That and I accidently worked on 'observed' christmas so I have a free day off.
- I'm contemplating going to a show tonight. We are Scientists or Bobby Conn. Hmmmm.
- Trying to find a constructive way to deal with heartbreak. I don't know what to do about the other boy. Everytime I think I'm OK something, somewhere reminds me of him. Get an e-mail about transit benefits, his name is there. People still ask me about him. I need it to stop. He obviously does not care. He is my Nelson Algren. I think he'll give me bad reviews for the rest of my life no matter how fondly I think of him. Problem is - like Nelson Algren - he's a part of my Chicago. But there's nothing there. How could I have been so wrong? I still want to believe that joy and love is worth all of the sacrifice. But I put everything on the line and I ended up on my own. No joy, no love - just me being harassed about my pet preferences.

what i've been up to

Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner…today is catch up after being home sick for 2 days.



Thanks for the e-mail. I know that there’s a lot going on. Again, I’m really not mad at you – I’m just hurt and raw and completely fucking exhausted and in need of some help with the parents who are being crazy. It’s just been completely bizarre – trying to deal with a bunch of crap and I’ll probably be a crying mess for at least the next 2 months. Joy. I just seem to get into these situations that get so dramatic. I’ve really had enough drama to last me a couple of lifetimes. I’m serious about wanting to know how people just avoid this crap. Like the other night actually started out where I had this good will towards all and then dad pulls the line about you getting away from Damon (which is not the situation – but I am so sick of hearing it from him) and then that set me off again. It’s just funny how our roles have been defined within the family…part of me has no problem being ‘different’ but other parts of me hurt a lot from it. And for as long as I blamed myself for it – I realize that other people (sometimes our own lovely parents – and definitely Keith) like to perpetuate it.



And I’m going to be that girl at the bar for a while…I’m going to be uncomfortable and damaged and attempting to have fun. And I wish I wasn’t so aware of it. See – that’s my biggest problem right now. Sometimes I’m ok, but most of the time I’m the girl who knows how damaged I am. (therefore the night w/ Damon’s brother – one night I wasn’t too repulsive..right? OTOH, he also lives in LA and I wouldn’t have to see him ever again). That and I had an affair with someone I was hardly ever with – but made me feel good in all of the ways I love to feel good (mix CD’s and great stories). Unfortunately there’s a lot to mourn right now – so it’s just going to take some time.



And now mom wants to buy me a cat. I don’t know if I want to be the divorced girl with a cat. It seems so cliché.



The world is much bigger than all of this crap. I get that. But there is something to be said for having to get through it. And that saying would be ‘this sucks’.



-----Original Message-----
From: sister
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2006 11:35 AM
To: me
Subject:



It's me again.



I don't want our conversations to continue to make you so sad. My opinion: you have enough stresses in your life -- considering me an additional one is no good.



What I can do is focus on my relationships within the family on an independent basis. I do not want to speak through you regarding Mom and Dad. And I do not want to speak through Mom and Dad about you. That's silly and can overwhelm each of us. It wasn't just me going to dinner with Mom on Thursday evening and suddenly I think, "poof! All is fine." Though in my conversations I'm also asking and finding out what it is that they need from me to feel like all is ok. Trust that I'm doing that. I'm a little confused as to why this is a topic that overwhelms you. Is it because you feel that if I see them, it means you don't have to? Or if I'm with them, then they won't be there to stress you out? I actually asked Mom a question that might sound odd: I asked, "Do you feel as though you don't see me that much because Amy lived here -- and works near you -- so you saw her all the time and me so little?"



September though February: that time of year is always chaotic. I have six month swings around here: and until I have a new employer, those won't go away. Unfortunately this fall was the most frustrating travel/work season to date -- which coincided with the most stressful/emotional fall for all of you. While I am always distant that time of year, it was overwhelmingly apparent this year. I can't change that. One of the reason's I didn't want to talk about it is because I don't know how productive that would have been: it was just a fact -- and I want to focus on the present and the future.



So as we are within the present day: the news doesn't change all that much. The reality is that I have a minimum of two trips per week from the week of January 16 through February 20. I rescheduled a trip that was to take place over Grandma's birthday so that I would be able to stay in town -- which is fortunate, as I don't always have that flexibility. I will do what I can: and I will share this reality with Mom and Dad as well.



I do feel the need to share something about Saturday. It was hard to see you at first. (1) Thank you for your message -- it really was great to hear you were out, and (2) I'm super glad you came down to the bar. I wasn't exactly in the most happy, hyper of moods in the first place... so I know I was rather blah that night. But I think it was hard because it was the first time I had seen you since our blow-up of a conversation. I was still a little raw. And while I love you to death and that will never change, it was awkward (and something I didn't anticipate). As for the end of the night -- we walked outside, came back in go to the bathroom, suddenly Damon ran in to a high school friend and while I thought we were headed right out, it was a few minutes. I do apologize for not going back over to say hello.



Ok: the above focused on the Mom and Dad piece -- which, again, is to be handled independent of us. I felt the need for explanation of my thoughts, yet that is a relationship I'll work on with them, not with you and them. So then there's you. And I want to focus on what can make you happy. I don't want to waste any time discussing what is going on in Keith's life. That is completely irrelevant now -- your happiness should have no relation to his own personal pain or happiness. There's no need to find the grand, large goal right now: rather just on a day-to-day basis, how to trust that all is going to be ok. Like you said, you didn't take the easy way out. You have to trust that it will eventually get easier and know you can make that happen. As all the legal issues start to happen: you don't have to be the martyr. You don't have to make it easy so that it will all just go away. You are a human being that is deserving of what is right. Yes: you want it over, you want it as quick and painless as possible. But please, please, please: recognize that it is more than ok to focus on you. You are not crazy. You are not evil. You are a wonderful woman who tried to make it work, recognized it was unhealthy, and decided to move on. That is wonderful. And that garners a lot of respect.



Let me know if you need any research done, an extra body for any meetings (the topics may get both over-emotional and too detailed -- sometimes it's good for a neutral party to be there to make sure all details are accounted for), etc.



Another thing: I like movies. I know you go to movies. If you ever want someone to join me, call me. I know I'm not around all that often: yet you never know unless you ask. And outside of movies -- I can be both your sister and your friend if you let me.



I'm glad I stayed on the phone last night -- the conversation ended much better than I anticipated half-way through the call. I hope you feel better soon.



Love,

sister.

to give you something to go on...

oh the exhaustion.

i've got the full blown cold (finally) - i was so sick of fighting it off for so long. i'm so tired from all of the crap of the past month that it's almost a relief to be stuffed up, coughing, cold sore (bleech), raspy voice et al...the head swimming regardless of how much decongestant i take is a relief.

and my boy Steve is playing the song that still breaks my heart.

i need to stop looking for emotional solace through pop songs....
but the video is so good!

i went out on saturday night. a girl i work with had a party at a dive bar by my pad - a country dive bar. with a live band. they were fantastic. i actually knew a lot of the songs b/c i listen to bloodshot people. see if you actually dig jon langford & robbie fulks you'll get to know all this country crap. the crowd was kind - all the people at the party knew each other b/c they work at a bar by wrigley field together. i was the only girl who rocked the all-stars - no glittery tank top and heels for me. then again, i'm a sox fan. they were very kind people - but not a lot in common, you know?

then i ended up meeting the sister @ a wicker park bar. ok - good jukebox, cheap drinks - however - riddle me this situation:
she is there with some of her oldest friends (who i know and like) and i sit and talk to 'em. her boy is there and we get along great - but my songs finally come on and she says she has to go...and then stands by the door and watches me sit alone and listen to music.

then i get sent home from work on monday (when i started this post) and stay home sick for 2 days. i'm stuffy and sneezing and my dad calls me about doing something nice for my mom (she's getting a promotion next week) - call the sister who then tells me that she can't come. i lose my temper and the result is the previous posting e-mail transcript.

so - i'm not so hot right now. and i'm scared. i know that it's 'ok' to be both of those considering my situation - but it's still not fun. i'm 'moving on' - i went out last night with a friend from work. had some beers - pretended i was ok. this week between my body crapping out on me and emotional shortfalls i also have this unnatural longing for my dog. so now my mom wants to buy me a cat. i don't think it'll quite work right now.

how i'm self improving this week:
- resolved a debt - should be paid off in the next month and a half.
- joined a car-sharing service
- cooked enough that i could feed myself for 3 nights
- told sis that i really didn't care what she thought of me - i needed help - not good wishes...you know? like her helping with my crazy parents and not acting holier than thou when we might interfere with her travel schedule.
- not calling the only person i know who might be able to get me drugs so i could stop feeling. i dialed, i hit send, i hit end. then i sat on a stool and held the phone in my hand and waited until the clock hit 11 pm. it was the longest 30 minutes i've ever had. i know i should go back on the zoloft, but i have some medical debts and i can't afford the prescription - not to mention i can't deal with the fact that i have to go back on. i know it will help - but between the therapist and the drugs and the family crap it just feels like another obligation.
- i'm cutting off all of the people i've enabled at work. and they're not happy about it. oh well - fuck them.
- watching too many european spy movies.

i know it'll get better and all of that shit - but fuck this is hard.

does this sound like modest mouse?

OK - so the dilemmas post-NYE...

Wolf Parade - actually tres-fantastique - but i can't get over dude sounding like he's in Modest Mouse. I like the other dude better.

So, after telling off the family and changing the plans - I went out by myself on NYE. And it rocked. I picked the right crowd, the right ensemble and generally a pretty good place to be alone. Found some cute young boys to mock the crowd with (of course I think they were gay - because all of the gay boys love me). My favorite scene of the night...

Man dancing in a little circle spanking himself with a 'clap your hands say yeah' t-shirt on.

I can't believe I was nervous about going to the pitchfork NYE show - i can rock the indie crowd too.

oh! and the whole franz ferdinand look works really well. i'm happy boys are actually being kinda stylish nowadays. as a girl raised on grunge it's just so *different*. but cute.

went to the therapist today and ranted about how my family and ex really hurt me - she kept on being kinda antagonistic (which is my relationship with this woman) - when I finally went 'how come i have to be strong all of the time? why can't they be strong too?' and she actually agreed with me.

oh - and my lovely, lovely boss is back from her vacation. i gave her a new name - mary poppins. because she is. and i loved mary poppins when i was a girl. how cool is that? i have mary poppins for a boss. one good thing for '05. but can i tell you how happy I am that the year is over over over.

sad story - i'm posting in the apple store b/c i have no computer. but now i have cable - so i can watch the most bizzare marathons on tv - 'project runway', 'law & order', 'iconoclasts', 'degrassi-tng'.

the kevin smith eps of degrassi are pretty brilliant.
and hazel rowley is the best biographer i've read in a while - get tete-a-tete if you want a quick existential education and to love my girl simone some more.

so - should i go see bobby conn on monday? badly drawn boy loves him - therefore i might. and he's local and i should have gone to see him a long time ago. conquer the fear - go to shows alone. it's not too hard.

one of the many things to get over right now is the fear of being alone and not doing anything. i forget that it's ok to just veg.

i don't have to be at work until 10:30 tomorrow. yay me.

off to buy some valerian so i can try and sleep tonight - the holidays and flipped work schedule has just fucked with my sleep too much.

and i'm eating mcdonalds for dinner because i haven't had it in like a month and a half and i'm craving grease. god love the pms.

then i'll think about the divorce lawyer. i need a day of peace.