Chasing Cars

It's the song on the radio right now and I couldn't think of a witty title...

Whoa, I've been a busy girl.

New boy got the Chicken Pox. Don't worry - it's from his brother and I just had them (again). So that might explain the laying low. Many cute e-mails and a couple of long phone calls over the weekend. He does seem to have a group of 'other' girls though. And made a dirty reference regarding my futon last night. Hmmmm...maybe he does like me.

I think I'm getting used to Tapes 'n Tapes. Who knew?

Found a new favorite bar. Good beer, great jukebox, kinda divey and stumbling distance. Arcade Fire EP's! Bloc Party when I walked in! Indie rock peeps talking about the Touch and Go Shows! I think they should just put my name on the door. I went by myself to watch the horrid Sox game on Friday night. The ex called on the way home. Why is it that I'm nice to him when I'm drunk and he's an ass to me when he's drunk? I think that explains a lot.

Speaking of Sox...I saw 3 games in 2 days. There was no double header scheduled but nobody told Chicago or Boston on Sunday. 19 innings. Beer stopped in the 7th. It was hot. I stayed and my boy did it. Iguchi is a god. He's my favorite. I'm so proud. There is also a 14th Inning Stretch. 19 innings is just stupid by the way. I found it funny - there was a grandpa and his grandson behind me. The kid was like 'I want to go home', Grandpa made him stay. It was his first Sox game. He'll have something to remember.

Went to the Chica-go-go taping last Thursday. That was silly fun. I was a total wallflower though. I'm trying - but I just can't do stuff like that alone sometimes. For someone so obnoxious I get really shy when I have to do public things. I don't know what I'm afraid of - but I think I need to get over it.

Gapers Block books club tonight. I didn't finish the book, but I'm more interested in what other people say. I wonder if I will be invisible again. Sometimes I can do that. I like it - but I'm also wish that I knew what to do with new people. It's not easy to rebuild a social circle - especially at 31.

I had a dream about he who shall not be named. It had everything to do with the fact that he couldn't be near me because I couldn't be his. And we did it in a bathroom. Of course it had to be dirty. I vividly remember him telling me that he loved me but he wasn't going to wait for me. There was something about swimming to clean himself of the other girls he'd been with. I just nodded. There was crying. I get it - but it was just so sad.

I am moving on in so many ways but I feel like he haunts me. I've got to let it go. The thing that terrifies me the most though is that I really loved to love him and it wasn't enough. I can't imagine what would be more than that. Can I ever trust my heart again? I married someone who I really never wished harm to. I wanted the best for him and worked to help him get there - it wasn't enough. Then I fall in love with someone who tells me it's terrible.

I'm feeling kind of OK with a new boy. I don't think he likes the fact that I was married, so we'll see how long this lasts. I don't like the fact that I was married and it didn't work either. Shit happens.