for no one

so - i'm not totally despondent - however the above is the title of my first favorite beatles song.

when i was in 5th grade i was in a 'gifted' program and we needed to show lyrics and play a song to present to the rest of the class. that was the song i picked.

god damn. did i know then?

yesterday was tremendous. i called the ex out on contacting my family. i called the sister out on communicating with the ex. i then cut the hair short and had it dyed bright red. got some shoes fixed, bought some music and recieved a fabulous book in the mail (Tete-a-Tete - it's about Sartre and deBeauvoir's relationship and it's SO GOOD). Therefore no sleep. This morning I come into work to find that EVERYONE HAS LOST THEIR MINDS. Chaos has ensued and I am so numb from everything that's happened that I'm fucking worthless.

I cut myself off from the mom & sis for a while. When the ex called me on monday night to let me know how great sis' card was and I found out that they had been in contact (and this was 2 weeks prior to the whole blowing off of the family for the holidays that i had such a hard time with) and i then found out that he contacted her...and no one told me - wow.

from what i can figure out this is what is going on: the ex has huge control issues. he is very concerned that my family has his side of the story. if he could step out of his giant (really his head is big) head for a second, could he possibly wish that my family would reject me and support him? did he think that they would just agree with them that i'm crazy and he's right about everything (which he still believes)? and then to find out that my sister might have believed that about me too - when i really don't have anyone that i can depend on...and my mom knowing about it too...they bought it - because it's what they wanted to hear about themselves. i get that. but they never even thought about me. it's odd to be the girl that they want to judge and snark about (but with my best intentions in mind - of course) and then they just forgot about how i might feel about their actions.

so i talked to the sis yesterday - she was on vacation in vegas with the sacred boy and by the end she was a weeping mess. i was strangely calm. i told her that i understood what he was doing - he's hurt but the result of her actions was that he had something to hang over me for the holidays. i also understood that probably was not her intention but everyone acted without considering that it could be thrown in my face. however, this is what he does with things i love. he either co-opts them and claims them as his own or he uses them against me. he took my life, i know i walked away - but i walked away because he will use anything to try and control me. i'm not even sure it's intentional. but he can not hang things over me if i don't let him. but to get to my family - shit. too much - too close - too painful. and they let him. he wanted her to know what a great sister she is.

oh. my. god.

she sobbed. she pleaded with me. she said that i should know that i could count on her anytime. i just said - 'after mom & grandma sick, all of this holiday crap and now this - i can't believe that right now'. she was never there. i just told her that i needed a break. i'm just so hurt right now. the past 4 months have been so filled with rejection and fear.

the boy who i loved to believe in - gone, but not before emphasizing how terrible we were together.

the boy i married - now i am scared shitless of. and i married him. oh my god.

my family - my dad would love to 'shake me and the ex so we could get back together'. my sister sends him christmas cards. my mom keeps it all a secret 'so you wouldn't be upset'.

my friends - oh, that's right. what friends i had moved away.

but what do i have in these waning days of 2005. i have me. i have a home. i have a ticket to a pretentious rock show tomorrow night. i have new hair. i have my books & music. i have the truth.

it's hard not having the love/family/friends thing - but sometimes your own being can be enough. i'm ok with that.

but i'll never claim it's easy.

no rest for the wicked...

or the wannabe wicked and because she's too tired she can't be wicked.

oh how the holidays continue to suck. the drama of this week consists of the pen pal relationship that my soon to be ex has been having with my sister.

i got a call monday night from the soon to be ex - actually a quite friendly conversation - he was trying to say that his life was so miserable, however the Dali Lama is coming to the museum and he's going to Greece (he's got an all-around good life) and to thank my sister for the nice christmas card.

turns out he e-mailed her a couple of weeks ago to thank her for all of the nice things my family has done for him.

which i asked him not to do.

did my family tell me? nope. they thought it would 'upset me too much'. i can deal with the truth. yes, it may hurt - however - it's the truth and there really isn't an argument with that, right? otoh - hiding things from me hurts a hell of a lot more. and my mom defended the sister to the end. i could really give a shit.

she made a choice and she's going to have to deal with the reprecusssions. reprecussion number one: i made new plans for NYE. not that she'll miss me so much - but i will be much happier not being with someone who obviously doesn't have a clue about what might hurt me. i guess if this was a term it would be the most offensive part - the 'non-thoughtfulness' of it all. did she even stop to think that it might effect me in any way? um, i don't think so. and sis - if you ever find this blog - that's the part that i'm going to need a while to deal with.

so i get to spend NYE solo at a different show and i'm happy about it. people watching, good music and beer. not a bad gig.

and i'm on a family ban for a month. they're not helping me at all. i know that i don't have any friends, any money or any potential for either - but i'm not going to be the girl that they can't even look at anymore. i can't be near them after this one. i begged for their help.

(ooh - musical interlude - elvis costello 'king of america' - i love this song)

so i begged, admitted my humiliation, prostrated myself, did home improvement projects, cooked for thanksgiving and christmas (twice!) stayed out of the way (generally) and kept my feelings aside. no more. i've got to get myself together - get legally divorced and keep my family out of my shit.

i am not a fan of this holiday season crap at all.

lost in the plot

breathe.
breathe.
breathe.

why is it that i am only effective in a unbelievably disfunctional environment? or have i labeled the oddly functional disfunctional and the seemingly functional should be labeled disfunctional?

i.e. - i'm great at work. terrible in personal matters.

so i'm working today because i cannot stand one more day with my family. got some interesting loot - things that my family thinks i need to survive but i can easily live without. actually i've taken the challenge of living without with some enthusiasm.

i don't really need a microwave nor cable but those were my holiday gifts...as well as a spa day that the sis got with her rewards points from her corporate card. i don't know - i feel like crap for my mom paying for my cable for 6 months and my sister makes 5x as much money as i do so it's just so bizzare that her company paid for my christmas gift. just buying my family gifts took a huge chunk out of my sad ass budget - and she buys herself $300 pants - but purchasing a gift for her sister - fuck that.

as you can tell - my sister rage is still intact. and i can really live without cable - i like listening to music and reading when i get home.

but my NYE plans include spending time with sis and the boy and i don't know how to look at her right now without wanting to punch her in the face. however - i don't want to stay home and there is rock involved and it does make me feel better. but i can't stand the sound of her voice right now. otoh i have no friends...so i don't know how i would be able to make new ones before saturday to spend new years with them. my mom thinks i should join a single's group - that would be a really bad idea. i scare the shit out of most people i know - and groups just love me. what group would want me in it - quick questionairre:
1) do you know who the apostles are? both the biblical and intellectual ones?
2) are you concerned about the corporate structure of the stores you purchase your holiday gifts from?
3) do you read everything you can get your hands on?
4) do you have problems with people who obviously don't want to deal with the truth?
5) have you ever been in a bad relationship and walked away? do you have problems with people who do that?
6) do you have good taste in music?
7) do you appreciate the everyday?
8) do you marvel at kindness?
9) do you tell good stories?
10) do you believe that you have an obligation to do something to make the world a better place?

and watch the 'singles groups' run away in fear. i'm so happy that my mother knows me so much. lets see - i just got out of a relationship that was about my changing myself to conform to another's expecations. i'm just not in the mood to have to change how i feel to conform to a group that is supposed to make me want to hang out with them.

that's the thing i guess - my family just wants me to not feel the way i do. i have to pretend that really - i'm just fine. but i'm not and i am so sick of having to pretend that it's all fine. unfortunately i know it's bad to have isolated myself so much - but if you were in the situation i was in it's kind of understandable. i know i'm not so social. but i also know that the relationship i was in did not allow for me to have other friendships. i got in big trouble for even going to shows with my sister.

what did anyone really think would happen?

merry christmas from the family

not so merry christmas here...

actually - i hate christmas. it brings out all of my insecurities.

i just started sobbing at work. so not pretty.

so my sister is limiting her family time because of the boy. i don't know - it's just bringing out the worst in me. i already feel so not worthwhile - her rejection of the rest of her family just hurts me so much. i have to let it go - but it's really not my finest moment.

i'm the girl who left her husband. i'm the girl who has to bum a ride. i'm the girl who can't give any presents. i'm the girl who has nothing to offer. and the girl who has everything to offer won't give anything. and doesn't really care.

i know that i can't make her care. it's also not the boy's fault. i fought and fought for years to spend time with my family. i guess it's just so hard to see her dismiss them outright. i let her know that she needs to spend time with them - she said it's 'good advice'. she won't do it and i know that.

i just already feel enough nothingness - i hate to be rejected by her too.

i'm too tired, i'm too sad, i'm too lonely and i have nothing.

feliz navidad

no more missed connections for me...

internet crackdown at work!!

what am i going to do? i gave up the ages-old iMac in the separation. i have no internet access at home. that's it - i shall blog at the apple store after work.

that's sad.

i think the illicit boy and i probably made them aware of the craigslist thing. unless somebody else there is sending mysterious messages...then again i imagine it's the illicit boy sometimes. especially when it's thoughtful and witty.

i have one of his personals from a while back. it reeked of something i would be attracted to.

i am a zombie today because i stayed up last night to write a 10 page letter to my friend who moved to Oregon. right after she left town i threw in the towel with the husband. i haven't talked to her since. i was quite confessional. unfortunately her husband is the ex's best friend. so that could blow up in my face. we'll see. i miss her lots - i don't have many friends you know.

the therapist told me that i have to work on that one.

i still haven't told her that i made out with another boy.

oh - and one of my new favorite canadian bands is coming to metro on 2/17/05...but the sis can't enjoy their beauty because she is co-opting herself to go to a wedding in CT w/ the 'boy she must marry and smother until he can't breathe'. my quote of the day from the sis:

'it's damon's birthday and i can't go - well he's in a wedding and i don't know if i'm going with him but i can't go because it's damon's birthday.'

stars would be a hot birthday present. rock that trancends mere mortals is a good birthday gift.

my new favorite lyrics:

i'm back in gym and it's the same

as my name tag floats away

i had six too many drinks last night

and that's why i made you stay

plus i always wanted you

you liked to rock it in your car

you said you didn't understand me

because i always tried to see you too far

tainted love's too fast to dance to

so let's leave them all behind

they hated us with everything they had

and we hated them in kind

i'm so easy - if someone said to me once 'plus - i've always wanted you...' that's it - i'm done. direct, purposeful and not an excuse.

i'm quite the word slut.

my favorite christmas gift to myself so far: re-reading the Mandarins. i know it's not the best of ideas, but i just love to read & hear those words. they are magic.

but i always get a little swoon-y and end up doing something to prove that i'm alive and sometimes that's not the greatest thing....

i think it's time to take up skydiving. that might be healthier than living in my head.

i have anger issues...

yes i do.

i heart the anger issues.

but i have to 'embrace' them.

what bad advice that is.


please watch out chicago - if you see some exceedingly normal silly girl implode in the next week or so - that would be me.

smooches.

past imperfect

wow. the holidays aren't going to be easy this year.

then again they never are.

well - the first hard one is that i got into it with the sister yesterday at the family holiday soiree...the first soiree where i got to be the girl who left her husband...there was a bunch of whispering behind my back. it was lovely. i however did recieve some pity burberry...the loot this year might work out for me.

i probably shouldn't have told her off in front of half of my family, bummed a smoke off my uncle phil and sobbed in the garage...but some interesting things did come out of it:

1) My mom apologized to me for taking advantage of me.
2) The sis called me out on sleeping with the oh so sacred boyfriend's brother. (and I kinda laughed in reply - she was mortified and everyone else sorta passed it off as bad judgement - which it was on my part and his part). I think I like the boyfriend more than I like the sister right now. She has to stop with this royal 'we' and 'our' shit. She is just so ashamed of her family right now and I can't handle it at all.
3) I completely lost it on my cousin. there was the whole lip trembling and swearing. I scared her.

the things that i am looking forward to for the upcoming holiday weekend...

nothing.

oh - and the other boy is gone forever. i'm kinda happy not to have to hear his voice, because i acted like a moron when i would - but my heart is not healed yet and i'm lonely and i still miss him. and i was so wrong about him and what does that mean about me? i want to trust myself again - but i really don't know what to do. and it's his birthday and he got me through the holidays last year...really. when it all got to be too much i would talk to him or hug him or laugh with him and it would feel a bit better. no more of that for me. now it's just fighting with the little sister for dumping the family on me.

hey sis: really - i know that i'm totally inconvienient and embarassing - but holy fuck - please help your mother and grandmother out when they're sick. don't go and run around with the lake forest boy ALL THE FUCKING TIME. you actually have spent more time with his family in the past 4 months that you have with your own. and your mother is getting tested for cancer and you better be sure that the boyfriend has the right suit for his first day of work...but you act aghast when anyone accuses you of being selfish. and I didn't even call you out on it...but i laughed because it was true. that would be a lot of shit to deal with on my own - however, I also left my husband a month before and you didn't want me anywhere near you because of that. it's not going to matter to you anyway.

and i'm sick and i'm not getting better.
i'm not liking this week so far.

i don't know the name of this song...

So...what to say about the first week of freedom.

1) I literally danced on the chicago ave. subway platform on tuesday night...because I didn't have to call for a ride home OR explain why I stayed late at work to talk to Randy.

2) I get damn cranky when I have a cold and I am dealing with bullshit managers

3) WHY IS THE USPS FUCKING WITH MY MAIL?!? I don't have an antenna for my TV - therefore I am reliant upon Netflix and my cache of british spy/crime mysteries (oh my god - they joy of MI-5 also known in it's homeland as Spooks - modern LeCarre adaptations - made for amy I swear to god). You deliver a DVD on Saturday, I enjoy on Sunday and then you stop delivering my mail for the rest of the week? What is up with that? I actually asked the ex if he fucked with my mail....

4) Had my first 'Waiting to Exhale' moment...a lovely lady that I work with sniffed out my at work dalliance. It was a bit terrifying. But then I confessed that he broke my heart and she was so sweet to me. It was quite amazing. She called me the next day to tell me how much she enjoyed our conversation. I at least e-mailed the stupid boy to tell him that I was found out. I tried. I tried not to tell her anything. I believe that I've been so good at hiding that anything happened. But sometimes determined people can figure shit out.

5) So, the boy is leaving the workplace. And everybody is telling me about it because they think we're friends. Whoops. It's kinda sorta weird. I will be relieved to not hear his voice as much as I do now. I'm good at avoiding him. Take the stairs, have the holy boss call the floor, call the manager - there are many ways of avoiding shame. I'm friendly when I do have to talk to him. I say hi - but i'm convinced my voice cracks every time.

6) I really don't know what to do with myself. Do I go out? Who do I go out with? It's just super freaky and I so don't trust my judgement. Therefore the temper is ablaze - with the cold and the full moon i'm just a hot mess.

but a cute hot mess and i'll just dig the fact that i'm sporting too much thomas pink today. that i'll never be able to afford again...oh well.

there goes the fear

OK - that's a lie.

I am consumed with fear right now.

Maybe it's exhaustion, maybe it's this cold, maybe it's the mind-numbing cramps I experienced for the past 3 days...but needless to say.

I moved.

My first grown-up place. No TV reception. All of my books. A DVD player. A futon, bench and small chair. 2 saucepans and a mini griddle.

My possessions easily fit in a studio apartment.

But what do I do with myself? The holidays help in some way. Plan the family holiday party - deal with the reactions, "You really left him?"

And I have my space, my place and my choice - which is vaguely empowering - however Friday a.m. I was so upset with the boys that I chose to be involved with it drove me batshit.

The soon to be ex decided he needed to help me with the move. Dude is a total control freak. My dad of course appreciated it. I think they should get married.

The boy who broke my heart and couldn't give a shit about me....didn't give a shit and I really wanted him to walk through the foot of snow and unload and unpack all of the books that I had to move on my own. But that would be some effort. That would show some sort of compassion.

I want to know why I was so stupid to believe in him. I want to know how he sleeps at night. Easily, I'm sure.

The sad part is that I am at the point where I could really give a shit about the whole marriage thing. It's over. I chose myself. I would have either slept around some more or killed myself if I stayed in that relationship. Both things would probably have had the same reaction from the ex - anger at how I failed him, dissapointed him - how I was not grateful enough from the 'freedom' he afforded me. I became to complicated, emotionally draining and frivoulous for him years ago. I didn't need another person in my life to remind me how f-ed up I was.

But the stupid boy - oh the stupid boy made me believe again. Which was good. But he crushed me. I believed him. Why? He acted as if I was something that was so stupid.

But I believed and I was wrong. And I don't know if I will ever be able to do that again.

I don't think either of them will ever understand that I lost the most. It's all about them. Somehow the ex will have to live without the sound dock and the stupid boy will have to live without the girl who never saw him enough, but loved him tremendously. It was never enough but he assured me that it was. And I was wrong.

I'm too old to ever do that one again.

your ex-lover is dead

The mantra of the week...

'live through this and you won't look back'

I'm going to be kind. I'm going to be thoughtful. I'm going to be smart. I'm just going to suck it up. I'm going to get through this week.

Then I will cry and yell and rant and be overwhelmed.

I wish it was different, but it isn't.

usually i'm much better at this...

but today - not so much.

today is hard.

well...that's that

I keep on saying that.

Does it mean anything?

It is my mantra for the forthcoming week.

This week's joy: I have an apartment. It has gas and electricity. I am a grown up.

This week's pain: I need to get my shit back from a control freak. The sis' boy is suddenly attractive to the open market. The boy who broke my heart in a million pieces is now blogging. I am overwhelmed and numb and alone.

Other than that- really I'm great.

OH! New resolution. No more relationships.
I would like a harem of boys with good stories and good drugs who can give me some. I could be like some kind of hostel for irresponsible cute boys everywhere. And they have to be good kissers. And they would never ever be allowed to tell me how terrible I am.

On the other hand, I'm 31 - so that's not going to be so easy.

p.s. hey soon to be ex-husband - do not debate the origin of any book in that damn apartment with me....my drugs of choice are caffine, nicotine and boys. Nothing there that kills brain cells. Therefore i remember this shit.

p.p.s. hey guy who killed all my cred and then dumped my ass - stop linking TAL and talking about wolf parade - i gave you that TAL story. Shit I wore a TAL t-shirt when you started making out with me on clark st. TAL is mine and not yours.

p.p.s.s. OH MY GOD - i so need to get over all this shit. i hate pms. maybe this is the week to go back on the magic pills.

p.p.p.s.s. where do I meet these irresponsible boys?

brighter than sunshine

Which I wish was how I was feeling...

But I'm tired.

On the other hand - I had some big big news today....

I GOT KEYS TO MY APARTMENT.

My first grown up lease only in my name apartment.

But I like when I hear a song and think of a boy. Even though I will never see that boy again. Which might be a good thing. Cause he's a slut and, possibly, so am I.

But - I GOT MY OWN APARTMENT. Really. It's like some sort of miracle.

I wish I had the energy for a MY OWN APARTMENT dance.

December 11 I will have enough energy for that.