Going Home During Daylight Hours

I think I might have S.A.D. It's just some sort of miracle to go out and have it be sunny. I want to wander a bit.

On the other hand my allergies are kicking my butt so I'm a little drowsy too - who really needs recreational drugs?

So I've been browsing blogs today - do you ever feel like everyone else is wittier than you? I don't know what I 'sound' like when I write - but I long to be more elequent, witty, may I say - literary?

The weekend does not have so many grand plans - going to Lookinglass on Sunday for the WFMT reading series and family crap on Saturday (are you sensing the trend of family crap on Saturdays?). I need me some silliness soon or else I'll just keep on being me I guess.

Tonight I shall veg and watch british crime dramas and degrassi.

How did Friday night get to be the best TV night of the week? How?

You're Getting Sleeeeepppppyyyy....

I want to be witty - on the other hand, what I really want is to take a nap.

So, what's new about me. Got headhunted on Friday. Went on an interview yesterday - who knows it might work out. Let's see what enticing things they can bring to me.

- A lunch hour.
- Working during daylight hours.
- No *^&*^%*&%^&*^ crazy nurses and managers.
- More money.

I'm so not getting my hopes up, on the other hand, I don't think that I would turn it down if it came to me.

I still need a nap - and something fun to do. Where is the fun? Where? Where? Where?

Baby Teeth are playing on Saturday night. No Hideout for me. Damn being broke.

What else - got the 'are you in trouble' talk from the family last weekend. Appeased the therapist with tales of insufferable bad luck and then told her of my ways of treating it. Flirting with boys from my temp agency.

Hell, work has been wacky as crap but I'd break federal laws if I disclosed.

So my darlings - do your laundry tonight (because I have to) and be kind to others.

Smooches.

What Do You Dream Of?

I want to feel awake.

I want to feel alive.

I want all of my muddled crap to end.

I want to feel safe.

I want to be wanted.

I want to belong.

I want to feel joy.

I want to...

In the Ridiculousness That Is My Life...

I have run through the city in my fabulous new metallic flats to acquire balloons (!) for a co-worker, drugs for my mom and attempt to solve all of the staffing crises for this zoo of a health care facility.

All at my $18.53 an hour.

However, I have a meeting with a recruiter - so that might go well.

And I have Sox tickets.

And I have a new boy to flirt with, albiet 5 years younger than me.

Is it sad that I dream of a 9 to 5 job with a lunch hour?

This weekend: begging for money from the parents, White Sox, White Sox, White Sox and sleep.

Oooh. Sleep.

How Are You Today?

Howdy.

Did you wake up to a call from a lawyer telling you they are filing charges of FRAUD against you in the Cook County court?

Oh, you didn't. Sorry.

Because I did.

Turns out I didn't pay a credit card bill 9 years ago - the statute of limitations is running out and they're going to sue me instead.

Unless I give them $2000 by next week.

I am finding someone who can clean up my karma - fast. I'm afraid of going outside anytime soon.

WTF?

I feel illllllllll.....

(extend the lllllllll)

You have an accurate description of my sister's first comment when she came home from school every day.

And a good phrase for how I feel.

Damn you sinuses. Damn you GI virus. Damn you cold sore.

I don't like feeling like crap. I'm at work anyway. I suck.

Easter was there. I got sick. I made trifle w/ lemon curd though. I rock.

Saw the Sox on Saturday. Paulie hit 2 home runs and Tadahito is a defensive GOD. GOD is a small japanese man who plays 2nd base for the White Sox, who knew? Volunteered at First Slice - that was also lovely.

No yoga for me this week. More sleep. Zzzzzzzz.

Head going to explode. I swear.

Things For You To Do

1) Peruse a copy of Vanity Fair - turn to the last page. Answer all of the questions on the Proust questionnaire. Muy interesting.

2) Write a letter quoting Lloyd Cole to Pitchfork. Watch Pitchfork reflect the lyric you posted soon thereafter. "Looking like a born again/Living like a heretic/Listening to Arthur Lee records...." That's what you get for referring to them as the 'contortions'.

3) Somebody else should write the letter to SI.com regarding the pics they are posting of Thome and Jenks. WTF? Phillies and Angels? THE WHITE SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES. Get the uniforms of their players right. Then again, I'm hoping this balances the whole predictions curse. We will not speak of their predictions for the World Series 2006.

4) Wear a cute outfit when you know you're going to have a shit work day. I have the most fabulous skirt and fishnets on.

5) Ask a kind man about his advice regarding Mary J. Blige recordings. My boy Randy has been sick and rather than bitch about work - I asked him about music and he smiled. See - that's the important stuff.

6) Don't do the 'step up' plan on Zoloft. Just pop 50 mg and feel a bit out of it all day. It's quite lovely.

Off to get Moms some Mary J. for her birthday and some diet coke w/ lime for me. Oh, the life of glamour I live.

Spring has Sprung

It is the first beautiful day of the year in Chicago.

I just stepped outside to take a look at the lake. Whoa.

There is this immense beauty here - it's so contradictory. Where I'm at I get to see nature (the lake), old architecture and tributes to the new (or Miesian new). I love the conflict and how they all seem to change color due to the sky. The lake reflects against the buildings - the blue brings out the white in the stone of the law school across the street, makes the spire atop 680 even more blue and reflects brightness from the shiny metal of my workplace. You can't help but gape.

It smells like spring too. It's new and it's fleeting - it makes you walk faster - look higher and just wish for something amazing to happen. I like how it feels like possibility.

But for now, now I ponder and wish for some solace. Some sort of comfort that can help me feel like everything is going to be alright. I miss comfort. I haven't had it for so long.

Maybe this weekend I can find it. I'm volunteering at First Slice - I get to give food, sustenance to those who need it. I'm hoping through giving I can maybe feel some of that. Then to see my White Sox for the first time this season.

On my Chicago vacation I went to the Osaka Garden. The last time I had been there I had brought the 'boy who can not be named'. I admit I was nervous to be there again. Before I brought him there (b/c he said he wanted to go to Japan - and it was the best I could do as I couldn't really go out in public with him) it was my favorite secret place. It was a revelation - to be so outside the city but smack dab in the middle of the place. An oasis of calm on the south side.

Back to the story - so I went and I saw and I could breathe. He did not take that place away from me. I won't lie - when I took him there in the cold and he turned me around and kissed me...it was perfect. But really - it is still beautiful and tranquil and mine without him. That's ok.

And this weekend - this weekend is my return to Comiskey. My other favorite place. I love the camaraderie and the joy that the ballpark is. It's just so much fun - I don't know what to say. I can't wait to see my funnel cake guy.

Mmmmm. Powdered sugar. Fried dough. Ooooh.

So this is what bottom feels like...

A lot less comfortable than you might expect.

Don't know quite what to say. Some scary stuff went down at work last week and I'm having a hard time getting over it. It's just not getting much better around here and I have to deal with a lot of stuff. I am so angry and scared and hurt by it right now. I want to like my job but I don't think I can anymore.

I hate disillusionment. Can't say this is the first time this has happened, unfortunately. I'm just not very good at it.

What else -

I'm now in debt to my boss $500...and i'm totally freaking out on her b/c MY JOB IS INSANE. However I need to pay her back so I don't know what the fuck to do. Actually I'll do my work, pay her back and go from there.

My doggie was sick again - and I gave him up. Ouch.

My family is crazy - and mean. Hey dad, how you doing?

My therapist is crazy. I said the weather was something going for me. I told her I was wishing aloud for it on Saturday. She had to remind me that I don't control the weather.

Whoa. I swear I've never claimed to. I'm enjoying the weather and recalling that I spoke aloud about it. Big Difference.

I'm not having sex. I much prefer my life when I'm having sex.

Oh - that guy for coffee last week. Nice guy - way to into wanting to be a politician though. Rich white boy do gooder. I'm so jaded.

I'm too excited for new episodes of Degrassi and House. Degrassi is so good - i'm actually liking Paige for the first time ever! I need her to get together w/ Alex. The stoner chick and the cheerleader making out! And Hugh Laurie is a total hottie. I've actually started renting Jeeves & Wooster. Though I loved him more as the head of MI-6 in the MI-5 first season. But as House he's so cute. Swoon.

Called the doc back today for the Zoloft. I figure I need to numb myself out of this.

I literally have no control over a ton of shitty situations. I have to keep reminding myself of that and i'll be OK. Really, it's not my fault. But I hate the fact that people who should be dealing just aren't. "Don't worry - she'll do it for you".

What would happen if I just didn't?

so much to do...so little time

Much to deal with today.

Topics to deal with later:

How to deal with disability when your culture looks upon it as a weakness.

Why Pitchfork can not get Lloyd's band name right and why I am offended by this.

Why Ozzie pitched Freddy in the cold - and at home.

Should I go to coffee with a 28 y.o. math teacher who had his first drink last weekend? Later I will try to justify my excursion to Gourmand tonight. I hope he's cute - the fuzzy pic didn't look too bad.

Is it exhilirating or crushingly depressing to clean out your checking account to pay your rent.

Who really sent me those flowers last week

Why did a co-worker ask me about evil boy when I haven't heard from him? Why did she tell me that I needed to talk to him? Why? Is this my karma for finding a note from him in my desk and shredding it? I get to pretend that we're all copacetic.

I am firmly entrenched in relative poverty.

I am totally underpaid for my job and given too many obligations.

Am I depressed or just in a crap situation.

The new boy and his crap attitude towards me.

My hysterical new Park District yoga class.

My registration for the Firefighter exam.

The Hideout Block Party also becoming the Touch and Go 25th Anniversary Party. I want a Seam reunion dammit.

Is my cold turning into an infection? I wish I had the sexy voice still - I'd prefer that to the hacking cough every morning.

My emotional repugnance about taking care of my Mamacita when my family gets to lounge. I have to get over that quickly.

Blah, Blah, Blah.

Listen to this song

Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken

What's Your Theme Song????

this is my current theme song playlist (@ work - not on the Pod)...

demons - battle
lioness - caviar
crooked teeth - death cab for cutie
the dark of the matinee - franz ferdinand
number 1 - goldfrapp
middle of nowhere - hot hot heat
reunion - stars
love me like you - the magic numbers
i'll believe in anything - wolf parade
the blues are still blue - belle & sebastian
rebellion (lies)- arcade fire
black and white town - the doves
love me like you - the magic numbers
rock hard times - eels
exodus damage - john vanderslice

Yeah - I get that it's also the blog entries. I'm not that creative.

And now introducing Van Morrison...

OK - it was kinda like the Last Waltz - but with a band from England and a band from California...

Magic Numbers and The Elected on Saturday night. They jammed b/c it was the last show of their tour. They sang Dylan.

My favorite part - the singing along. There is something completely cathartic about screaming the words to your favorite song. 'Love Me Like You' sounds as scary as I think it is when singing with 1000 of your closest friends. That's why I like them so much - there's something about the lyrics of their songs that are just so sad and mean...

Love is just a game
Broken all the same
And I will get over you
Love is just a lie
Happens all the time
Swear I know this much is true

Maybe I’m a fool
For walking in line
Maybe I should try to lead this time
I’m an honest mistake that you made
Did you mean to?

But sing along with the blue eyed soul melody. It was nice.

What isn't nice is my family right now. My dad is behaving like a 2 year old. He's jealous of my mom. Here's the thing - she is in a neck brace for the next 3 months. She can't drive. She can't move around like you want her to. She is not going to take care of you.

Why are people stupid?

What else -

I'm rocking the sexy voice right now. Fortunately I lost my voice last week and I couldn't yell back at my dad. See - God, Yahweh, Jah, Krishna, The Japanese Garden at Jackson Park (i.e. pick your diety) protects you.

Work sucks. Still. I swear I need a raise.

Financially I'm fucked. I've accrued $3000 in debt in the past month.

I wish I was still having sex. That would help. How exactly would I fix that considering my caregiver role...hmmmm.

But I saw a great show. That's a good thing, right?