i want you to want me

Sad, isn't it.

However BBC6 is rocking out with my favorite Killers song Smile Like You Mean It....

Which probably should be the title of this post.

I know the Killers aren't cool - but there are some fun songs and you can dance like a white girl to 'em. And I didn't buy the album - so technically I didn't 'support support' them.

And they're not so good live - but there are the riffs, and in the end it's all about the riffs.

Anywho - let us speak of my friend Steve Lamacq on BBC6 - I got to be on his show 3 months ago and it was supah-cool. But anyone can really do it - just e-mail him a song that you would want to hear on a good day or a bad day and then he calls you from London and you're on the BBC!

Easy as that. How brilliant is that? I can't get on NPR that easily. However I believe I could get on CLTV SportsPage that quick. That's why I like that show - the most random callers ever. Along with QVC. I live for the late night QVC calls - it's amazing to hear about what the shut ins of america's rural areas do...who knew?

Sox sweep??? Game 3 is tonight...stay tuned.

Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love.

Song of Solomon...again why I prefer the Old Testament to the New. The OT can be dirty.

So much happening - yet words seem incapable of expressing my dilemmas.

I just found out that my Mom might not be as sick as we were expecting. Amongst the drama of my Grandmother having surgery, my mother started rapidly losing weight and had to go for a MRI on Saturday to find out if she had cancer. I just recieved a call that her scan was normal - however the rapid weight loss, low potassium and exaustion is unexplained.

I do not like my life right now. I feel really lonely and incapable of doing things to make it better. Right now I am so angry that the ex has my life - the life I begged for. He sent me an e-mail about becoming a member of the dog park and taking a class at Old Town. I'm in nowheresville and want to scream so loudly I could hurt someone.

I thought I made a friend via e-mail and he stopped talking to me when I told him everything that was going on.

I'm still in love with a boy who thinks I'm terrible. I hate that I still want him so much and he thinks so little of me.

I got hit on by a sleazy sheriff on Saturday morning trying to win WS tix @ NikeTown. I don't like that I am attractive to people like that.

I had a migrane yesterday and my dad was so pestering that he made me cry. And when I started crying I couldn't stop - for the rest of the day.

I am sick of love, sick of my life and sick of my situation. I wish I had a way to change it instantly and I don't. I know I have to work through this and I know that one day it may get better. It seems really futile right now.

I'm just really lonely and feel like I am terribly inconvienient. It makes me want to burrow and I have no where to do it. And my Arcade Fire was borrowed from the evil boy who won't talk to me anymore. And I can't afford more.

Blah, blah, blah....

i am so happy today is not yesterday

I don't recommend that at all....

However - to perk yourself up I suggest a posting to the CL 'strictly platonic' board....

My post (b/c I couldn't deal with friends/family asking me how I felt to be seperated on my anniversary any more....)

Looking for someone new to torment with my incessant babbling. Me: Way too much drama going on..looking for someone to just e-mail when I need to chat with someone outside my normal cirle of super family & friends (i.e. looking for a new perspective). My interests are varied (i'm a book and music snob but I subscribe to US Weekly and watch MTV Hits to be down with the youngsters). I'm a NFP whore - if it's supposed to help people, I'll work there. I abhor close-mindedness in liberal or conservative contexts. I firmly believe in: national health care, feminism (and all of its implications on girls and boys), removing politics from public safety, the power of a rock concert to make everything better, the BBC, the Chicago White Sox (and I ain't no bandwagon girl), making a loud gasping noise when one of my favorite songs come on the radio and I can be tremendously snarky and silly. I *heart* a thoughtful argument. Again - I am dealing with bunches of drama right now so I'm not looking for anything remotely close to a relationship - just someone to (preferably) type to...I've been told that I'm vastly entertaining.
this is in or around city

it had better formatting than that - however here are my favorite responses....

1) the person I might actually want to talk to:

Okay Miss Smarty Pants: Who sung the following lines:

"Keep your 'lectric eye on me babePut your ray gun to my headPress your space face close to mine, love"

If ya' say "Bono" I'm gonna scream until my tonsils burst. And if you use Google to find the answer then you're not cheating your just clever. :o)

Write me back or suffer the full wrath of bad CraigsList karma!!!!!

Regards,
-Shawn

PS: I promise I'm not a weirdo, freak, pervert, polygamist, scientologist, talking waffle iron or Elvis impersonator.

PSS: Oh yeah! I almost forgot to tell you about me:
29 bi w m
Incredibly grogeous! Seriously, I am astounded sometimes by how devastatingly beautiful I am. Artists and fashion photographers will sometimes just stop me on the street just to stare at me. Sometimes they start to cry and I say, "It's okay. In heaven you'll be beautiful just like me if you pray to the baby Jesus and ask for his forgiveness on a daily basis for using a conditioning shampoo instead of a seperate condition and shampoo." But that's me, always thinking of the little people. The little, ugly people with bad hair.

PSSS (or is it PPSS?): Uh.... I forgot what I was going to say.

PPSPPS: Oh yeah! I also think I'm funny. What do you think?

2) the creepy old guy i accidentally responded to...

to my queen,your loyal subject awaits you slightest whim.Craig has been very very good to me so i pass it along. me 47 m married. business owner. father, musician. atheletic, ADD, live like i am retired yet works hard, would rather play sports than watch. pays attention to more than the change in colors with the season change. what's the poop kid that has you all wigged out. JK

3) the 17 year old that I think it might be illegal to respond to:

A young fella too, I am 17. Your trying to "be down" with the
youngsters? I am one of the few who never has or ever will watch MTV for
pleasure... heh, I am a weirdly intellectual cat, one who has posted on
*casual encounters* but i'm looking for a friend too, key-pals (o0o i'm
clever) sounds very cool to me? like discussing politics? I'm a pretty
easy going guy, homeschooled, live privately, I teach myself (the
schoolwork gets dropped at my house, lady stays for 10 minutes), i'm in
12th grade, and typically a very mature guy... most of the kids my age
are superficial, i am more of a social recluse than anything, i do not
enjoy the company of too many people, i prefer the company of small
groups (you get to know people better). The kids around my age typically
want to go to parties, watch MTV, go to the malls, and complain about
how hard their lives are/were (when they goto catholic school and were
never poor like i was) and i just watch, as an outside observer, it is
truly pathetic that they complain about little problems, how they hate
their parents and they never give them money and how they want to run
away or kill themselves. I really think I am a 40 year old on the
inside(at least my body is better than most 40 year old guys heh), but a
fun one, i still have many of the stereotypes of a teen guy... bah,
sorry for typing so much, rambling on... i hope to hear from you, just
in case you were curious, i have attached a photo of myself
Cheers

4) who knew that craigslist was a virtual UN of people looking for friends? i sure didn't.

We might actually be a good match.
I don't talk much, I actually prefer to listen though I usually have something to say on most topics. I follow the BBC broadcasts quite religiously (though I suspect my reasons would be much different from yours), I would not hesitate to go out of my way to help someone (even if I don't know them) and I have firm political beliefs.
The one thing that I have not mentioned is that I am not American, and I have only been here for a short while. Due to that I do not know many people, and would look forward to new contacts. I would love to hear more from you, Gil

OR....

Hi, I'm a heavy set single south asian male who just moved to Chicago about 8 months ago and live in Bucktown. I've made a lot of cool friends since I've been here, but would love to meet more people in the "hood" (especially) down for grabbing something at Filter or Deluca and catching up with conversation. I love to talk about politics, people watch, and ponder ironic observations. Anyway, hope to hear from you.

OR....

2 recently married people who are looking for bitter friends? I feel like I could never respond to them due to my disaster circumstances...

I like the blogging when I don't have to type much.

Love is a Dangerous Thing

see above.

what I wanted to say to the stupid boys this week:

Dear Husband:

You spent 7 years telling me that my feelings were wrong, how I was failing our relationship, how I was interupting your television time.

When I was scared - you told me you didn't know what to do...

When I was diagnosed as depressed - you were angry that I would turn to meds instead of you...

When your family took our money, treated you with cruelness or 'forgot' to include you in things I picked you up - got angry with them - gave them money and you would scorn me for 'making you choose between your family and me'. I would never do that. After a year I gave in and decided to admire your love for them instead. I was disappointed in their behavior - however I admired the fierceness of your love for them. That was OK with me. You never believed me because their behavior was never OK with you....

I was happy with our life. You laid out all of the expectations that I could never fulfill. I got my apartment in the city and my dog. I didn't need much more than that.

Today is our anniversary. My parents threw you a fantastic wedding - that probably set up the problem in our relationship. You got so used to taking from us because we would give you everything. You thought you deserved it. But that was never my life....my family didn't do well until I met you. And they're grateful for their sucess and they're willing to share it. You never appreciated it. You just thought that you could take and take and take.

I really think you fell in love with them - never me. That I'm used to. It happens a lot. But I'm not going to be my mom nor my sister. I'm emotional, i'm bitter, i'm angry and i'm not a servant. You can't treat me like my dad treats my mom. I am happy about growing up to leave that.

That's all I can figure out right now. Oh well.

To the Boy who destroyed all of my credibility:

Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.

Why? Because here I am with no cred because I chose your and you chose to be with me....and now you pretend it's the worst thing to ever happen to you.

You? You have your own apartment. That you fucked me in. You have a sweet job - even though you're having 'moral' issues with your manager. Give me a break - you work 3 days a week. Get over your damn self and grow up.

Not to mention I am still aghast at your complete lack of empathy....you're just cruel. And cruelty isn't very cute.

So to repeat some of my comments from earlier....

Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.

GO GO WHITE SOX!!

Chicago's Proud of You....

Kinda feeling illlllllll....and I'm loving the good sox beating the red sox right now. So I'll be profound later.

Going to find a new place to live this weekend (I hope).

My anniversary is on Monday though - so that's going to be weird.
To put it lightly.

Oy.

we get to be different

Ahh...the different thing. I've always been told I was 'different' and not in a good way. And in my fandom I haven't necessarily been with the norm. Somehow this week it's working out for me on the baseball front.

This is what was sent to me yesterday on the eve of the Good Sox vs. Red Sox game from the White Sox press office:

GRINDER BALL
The White Sox have a reputation. We always have. For over 100 years, the White Sox – and our fans – have earned a reputation for being hardworking. South Side. Blue collar. “Stand-up-to-the-bully-to-defend-your-best-friend” loyal. That reputation reflects the way Chicagoans are viewed by anyone who isn’t from “here,” and it mirrors how our team always plays on the field.

Go-Go White Sox.” This battle cry defined one of the most successful eras in our history.It explains what it means to root for the White Sox. To be the White Sox.Unfortunately, despite our loyal fan support across generations, we’ve sometimes been perceived as the second team in the second city. The David to a bigger Goliath. The perennial runner-up.

And that was supposed to keep us down.

It was supposed to keep us quiet.But at the White Sox, we learned something that makes us proud to be Sox fans. Minnie Minoso knows it. Nellie Fox did too. Harold Baines embodies it. Jerry Reinsdorf is proud of it.
Ozzie Guillen lives it.

We don’t need to be like other teams. There are plenty of fans who like us just the way we are. We are happy with being different.

We get to be different.

We realized that South Side can proudly be South Side. It can be both everything it has always been, yet not quite all it ever will be. You see, the South Side can let its hair down. It can create innovative, first-of-its kind promotions that get a new fan to take notice every day. It can be water cooler conversation for wearing shorts to the plate or putting a dog in the stands. It can wear an Elvis jumpsuit and a Beatles wig and enjoy postgame fireworks.
And after the game, its kids can run the bases.

We learned that South Side can mean fun at the ballpark. If our fans have fun, they’ll support us regardless of the final score. That’s what it means to be a loyal fan.This year, we’ve had the most fun of all, and we’ve had it in the stands and on the field.

We discovered that a winning team always gets its pants dirty, and that sometimes, playing hard is as much fun as winning or losing.As you’ve probably noticed, our creative schemes to build fun at the ballpark continue.

But our team’s success on the field isn’t a laughing matter. We show up to win every day, and this year we’ve won a lot more than we’ve lost. Suddenly, everyone is taking notice – because there’s enough going on at U.S. Cellular Field for entertainment seekers and baseball purists alike.

Grinder Ball, the message that anchors this year’s marketing campaign, hit the nail on the head in defining the style of baseball we have come to expect.
Players are counted on or counted out.
Men should play like boys.
“Good enough” isn’t good enough.
Our fans caught on, and they believe it because they see it on the field. They live it in their lives. It has become their mantra. It is their Sox Pride.

Then it occurred to us.

It is cool to be a Sox fan.
We can have our cake and eat it too.
We can work hard and play hard, and we just might find out that we’re good at both.

All of us are a piece of the South Side. It’s who we are. It’s Sox Pride.That’s just our reputation.

And we’re very proud of it.

lloyd cole song generator

i'm not that technologically savvy...but if my brain was a computer i could generate a lloyd cole song for your every mood.

sad, disillusioned, bitter, corrupting others....lloyd has a song for you! or at least i know of a lloyd song that would fit your dilemma.

this is my new theme song. remember: lloyd will keep you from sending angry e-mails to people who DO NOT deserve your longing. that's a good thing to have in a girl's life.

however, if i were NORMAL - i wouldn't have this issue. i would have the boy problems after i left my husband - not while i was leaving my husband.

no more love songs....

Rather than you, she said
I prefer solitude
Rather than company
I prefer cigarettes

Even Los Angeles
Suffers occasionally
Do you have somewhere to stay?

But no more love songs
Not for me

I gave her whisky
And she gave me everything
There was a boy, she said
Beautiful, eloquent
He went to spain
And where he went, she went

No Joan of Arc
She was broken, discarded
And that was a long time ago

Still, no more love songs
No more love songs
Still, you might as well live

I’ll drink to harmony
Peace and disarmament
I’ll dance the victory waltz

But no more love songs
No more

i'm totally fucking up my Kubler-Ross

so - I'm in acceptance in one relationship...oh the real one that i'm ending - and in anger in the imaginary relationship that has been ended for me.

What else do I do - send a snarky e-mail. I so want to rip his fucking head off.

Then again, I self torture.

In my real divorce I'm getting nothing. This is what I want from the imaginary divorce:

1) I get all the music. Sorry dickwad - I go to shows and enjoy them. You sulk. I get Vanderslice (even though you gave it to me...consider it my payment for getting you off). I get Magic Numbers, I get Arcade Fire, I get the Dears, I get all the good shit. You get to sit in you apartment and listen on your shit computer.

2) I get to be understood for staying in a bad marriage. Hey asshole - when someone is not in the best circumstances and you want them out...blaming them for it isn't good. You chose to fuck me. You told me that you wanted me when I tried to end it. You want to pretend that it was all shit - that I somehow lured you? DO YOU THINK THAT I REALLY WANTED TO BE THE FUCKING WHORE THAT CHEATED SO I COULD GET OUT OF THIS? Nope. So you don't get to use the reason 'It's not that I didn't like you anymore - it's that I didn't like the situation you were in'. Yeah, that situation was being married to the wrong person. And it wasn't pretty. And guess what - I got out of it and now I need to move on with my life. Hearing about how shitty my situation is won't help - and blaming me - that's just tacky.

3) I helped you change jobs. What? Why?

4) I helped you move...or at least got you the coverage so you could take off work to move...

5) I asked you 'why do you talk to me' and you told me not to worry about it. You tell me 'i was just trying to talk you down' and invite me to your apt? You don't get to be the good guy here. Nope.

6) You get angry at me for having low self esteem. WTF?

7) You're a fucking hypocrite. Own it. I want to hear it.

8) You want me to believe you cared about me. I call you on your shit and you basically cover your ears and sing 'la la la la'.

9) Your future - your future is sitting in a studio apartment, thinking yourself holier than thou, smoking pot, playing video games , listening to Rush (and trying to give them some indie cred...bleech) and doing nothing. Moving out of your Mom's house 6 years ago to a different city does not count as living. Doing something grand counts as living. Being a network TV snob is not grand.

This is really theraputic. Much more than standing in a Borders reading 'He's not really that into you.' That was sad as fuck. Please tell me that was bottom.

Oh - and remind me to do this rather than sending e-mails like this one:
I’m going to the Vanderslice show on Saturday and the Magic Numbers show on 11.12.
Do me a favor and don’t be there.

That one is going to make me burn in hell.

my super fun night

Does the whole sarcasm thing translate to typing?

I am currently a firm believer in Art and Music. Therefore I volunteered at an art show. It worked. It was super fabulous, a beautiful night and I took a long walk to savor the beauty of Chicago in the fall. I saw my favorite Henry Darger, talked to some artists, some big time art collectors and generally made myself grateful for the experience.

Problem 1 - I was sober.
Problem 2 - I was alone with no plans.
Problem 3 - Thought it might be OK to call Nelson Algren to extoll the virtues of my brilliantly planned evening.
Problem 4 - Instead (quite smartly) went to Borders and read horrible, depressing self-help books about divorce and having pride and not calling the guy who tells you to your face how horrible you are.
Problem 5 - Purchase Best American Essays (yes I do that every October).
Problem 6 - Take myself out to McDonalds for dinner. In the Loop. On a Saturday night.
Problem 7 - Get a phone call from husband asking me to coffee and offering a ride to my P's.
Problem 8 - Start screaming at husband (in McDonalds) that he is not allowed to take away my dog and offer me coffee in the same week.
Problem 9 - Proceed to scream at husband through cell phone that I am not coming back ever again and that I don't believe that we can make it work.
Problem 10 - Yes I stood up for myself but I also was the crazy girl in the polka dot skirt walking down Randolph Street screaming 'You are killing me. I'm never coming back. We did this for 4 years. Why should I come back to that?'

And he keeps on asking me if I understand how he could keep hoping....he has absolutely no idea.

But this is the one that I want to throw in Nelson's face: He said I didn't make him feel bad about himself - the situation I was in made him NOT LIKE himself. I get out of the situation and confess all these stupid emotional things to him. He invites me over, does fabulously dirty things to me and then proceeds to tell me how horrible we are together. And then does this whole 'I can't believe I haven't touched you since February and I thought you got it on with more guys shit.'

I know that the best revenge would be to just be fabulous and make out with someone cute in front of him - however - I don't have a lot of free time to be getting my groove on right now.

Oh - that's right - I HAVE NO FREEDOM TO GET MY GROOVE ON RIGHT NOW. Now it makes sense. Would it be so wrong to guilt him into sleeping with me as a stress reliever? Or is that just tacky? I frankly think he owes it to me.

And I frankly think that'll never happen.

But I stated my fear of weekends earlier - and this is why. I don't need to be calling stupid boy and the husband doesn't need to be calling me. Spare time is evil.