i'm totally fucking up my Kubler-Ross

so - I'm in acceptance in one relationship...oh the real one that i'm ending - and in anger in the imaginary relationship that has been ended for me.

What else do I do - send a snarky e-mail. I so want to rip his fucking head off.

Then again, I self torture.

In my real divorce I'm getting nothing. This is what I want from the imaginary divorce:

1) I get all the music. Sorry dickwad - I go to shows and enjoy them. You sulk. I get Vanderslice (even though you gave it to me...consider it my payment for getting you off). I get Magic Numbers, I get Arcade Fire, I get the Dears, I get all the good shit. You get to sit in you apartment and listen on your shit computer.

2) I get to be understood for staying in a bad marriage. Hey asshole - when someone is not in the best circumstances and you want them out...blaming them for it isn't good. You chose to fuck me. You told me that you wanted me when I tried to end it. You want to pretend that it was all shit - that I somehow lured you? DO YOU THINK THAT I REALLY WANTED TO BE THE FUCKING WHORE THAT CHEATED SO I COULD GET OUT OF THIS? Nope. So you don't get to use the reason 'It's not that I didn't like you anymore - it's that I didn't like the situation you were in'. Yeah, that situation was being married to the wrong person. And it wasn't pretty. And guess what - I got out of it and now I need to move on with my life. Hearing about how shitty my situation is won't help - and blaming me - that's just tacky.

3) I helped you change jobs. What? Why?

4) I helped you move...or at least got you the coverage so you could take off work to move...

5) I asked you 'why do you talk to me' and you told me not to worry about it. You tell me 'i was just trying to talk you down' and invite me to your apt? You don't get to be the good guy here. Nope.

6) You get angry at me for having low self esteem. WTF?

7) You're a fucking hypocrite. Own it. I want to hear it.

8) You want me to believe you cared about me. I call you on your shit and you basically cover your ears and sing 'la la la la'.

9) Your future - your future is sitting in a studio apartment, thinking yourself holier than thou, smoking pot, playing video games , listening to Rush (and trying to give them some indie cred...bleech) and doing nothing. Moving out of your Mom's house 6 years ago to a different city does not count as living. Doing something grand counts as living. Being a network TV snob is not grand.

This is really theraputic. Much more than standing in a Borders reading 'He's not really that into you.' That was sad as fuck. Please tell me that was bottom.

Oh - and remind me to do this rather than sending e-mails like this one:
I’m going to the Vanderslice show on Saturday and the Magic Numbers show on 11.12.
Do me a favor and don’t be there.

That one is going to make me burn in hell.