You Are Loved! (?)

OK - I have large plants sitting on my desk today - that was the message on the card.

I've asked many people if they sent them.

No takers yet.

No clue to who the florist is. No clue to the handwriting. No clue whatsoever. I even called the ex to see if he sent them. The (old) new boy did not fess up either.

So I had a Chicago vacation this weekend. I did good stuff - but, but, but - had it out with new boy. He did it again! I am a big dork. I told him we can be friends - he gets all touchy feely - stuff happens and he freaks out.

This is the new situation - he can't be near me b/c he likes me. But he feels bad for liking me b/c he's still in love with his ex-wife who is crazy.

WTF?

My situation - I got some. He's kind and good in bed. I don't need much more than that right now. I've been warned of this. I don't need a relationship. It's kind of flattering - however - I don't need to hear about this anymore. I don't need to be the 'cool' girl. I don't need to hear about how I fit into your future. I am enjoying now. Why is that so difficult? Why? Why? Why?

And who sent the damn flowers?

crooked teeth

OK - I love the new Death Cab single.

What is wrong with me?

Updates: New boy stopped talking to me! He came to my home, ate my food and did dirty things to me and then stopped talking to me.

I was so grown up and called him on it. It worked. Really, I'm at this time in my life that I cannot afford to lose friends. Just because something gets weird I'm not going to slink away with my tail between my legs. I've just done it for too long. I kinda sorta like this new me. I know if somebody told me to get over myself and that they cared about me and were not going to go out of their way to hurt me I would feel really good about it. That's what a friend would do.

I put a 'friend' ad up on CL - got a bunch of good replies. I'm going to the Nelson Algren b-day party on Saturday night and the Electric Six show on Monday. Mom goes into surgery on Wednesday - and I'm freaked, but I have to have some boundaries and take care of myself as well. I'm not going to isolate myself again because my mom is sick. Nope - no more.

Why am I so determined lately?

The Crying Scene

That's where i've been today. I am damn weepy. Oh well.

The finances are in trouble. I hope I can keep the apartment. I screwed up good. I meet with the financial counselor next week.

My family is crazy. I am getting more and more freaked about the surgery.

New boy has vanished. I don't think I'm going to hear from him ever again.

Work is bad. I can't deal with people bitching at me all the time anymore.

I'm blotchy.

I need a vacation.

Other than that - I'm coping pretty well. Seriously. I knew I was going to lose it at work today and decided to call the EAP instead. The phone therapist told me that I need to do some boundary setting.

No shit. That's why I was calling.

Maybe I should go on Zoloft again - however I couldn't put 5 days of allergy meds on my debit card - so I don't know what the hell i'm going to do.

Blah.

Speak Slow

Well...new boy resurrected himself last weekend. Took me out to lunch on Sunday and came over on Monday for dinner. Did the whole, 'I still like you' so we got all hormonal and then he had to leave to go out of town. Since then he has been super weird. He so didn't want to tell me that he liked me. Hee.

However - his friends are back in town, he's running to them and I'm getting the vibe that I am super scary right now. Oh well. He's supposed to come to Hyde Park with me next weekend. Lets see what happens. As of today I predict that I won't hear from him anytime soon. It wouldn't be because I manifesto'd him after he told me that I was too angry sometimes, would it?

Ah, to be me.

This weekend - I have the style issue of the New Yorker. I'm going to pick up the new Economist w/ the Chicago profile. I have to finish my registration for Yoga (which is down the street from Julius Meinl - I think I'll need to go there). I think i'm going to rent 'Reds' and go to the Anti-War rally. Sunday I'm going to the burbs to see the parents and grandma and the PUPPY.

I love the puppy.

Mom's surgery got postponed until the 29th...which is OK - but I really needed a break from my crazy-ass job.

Got my Lolla ticket yesterday. The lineup is pretty cool, however I am so excited that Stars and Eels are playing. I get to see 2 of my favoritest bands ever. I know all the words. I also got my Pitchfork ticket. I'm getting an Intonation ticket next week. Whoa. The Chicago summer of music. Love it.

That Was The Day

Oh - boys of the past come to me today.

Via fucking e-mail.

So - get in this morning to find an e-mail from my first boyfriend. He also sent it to 2 million other people. But nonetheless 'first boyfriend's name' was quite a surprise in the inbox.

I replied.

I got a bot reply saying e-mails sent to that box weren't read. Oh well.

Then I get an e-mail a couple of minutes ago from this nightmare woman I work with saying the evil evil other boy is available to help out on the weekends.

How much do we want to bet I will have to have this conversation in the near future:
Boss: "Can you please call 'evil other boy' and see if he can work this weekend?"
Me: "I don't think that's such a good idea."
Oh that will be so comfortable. I don't think I could hide the hatred from my voice. I probably can - but I'm not sure I want to.

And now to the new friend...I told him that we should probably not see each other so much. The family/divorce shit on my side and the divorce shit on his side probably didn't quite make sense right now. I actually said that I liked him too much. The whole taking care of him thing on Saturday was my breaking point. He had a really bad day and I made it better. I like to do that. However, I don't have a lot of strength right now. And I know how I work. I'd love for someone to take care of me - and it ain't going to happen with him. I really don't want to get mad at him for not doing something he just can't do. That's not fair. He thought his world would be different. I get that. However - this is the e-mail I get the morning after (of course I still slept with him after I made my great stand):

Thank you. Thank you for picking me up when I was down.

Tired today. Many meetings.

Take care of yourself. Get some exercise. Get an easier job. Take time for yourself. Put yourself first once in a while.

I will drop you a line to get coffee some time. I still have your Sarah Vowell. Gues you'll find out how fast I can read.

allright :)

New Boy

On 3/8/06, I wrote:
I started good – took the walk home on Wilson …got the coffee…and promptly fell asleep until 9:15. Whoops. I was only 10 minutes late. Nobody noticed though.



I unfortunately slept through a recruiter call…one of the ad's I responded to last night. Don't know if I should call back.



Thanks again for being a cool cat. Take care of yourself. Get a personal trainer. Learn the chords to Pop Life. Find a rich girl and tell me stories.



Let me know if you ever want to get coffee.

Yeah, he played me Prince on the guitar too. Raspberry Beret. Damn that was cool. If I tell anyone I know that he did that they may kill me for telling him to bug off. Now I have longing. Surprise Surprise. And it's 60 degrees out today and it smells like spring and I have hormones. This is so not good. Can I make it through the weekend? Hmmmmm....we're still e-mailing which is not a good sign. I am lethal with the longing.

Tonight - reading, laundry.
Tomorrow I am reclaiming my bike.


Oh - the silly new goal - I'm going to take the Chicago Fire Department test. Lets see if me and 20,000 of my closest friends can make it to the academy!

Don't Look Back, Don't Look Down, Stay Real Still...I'm Not Around

OK.

What to say? The dilemmas of the day:

1) Work continues to kick my ass. I don't know how to be cool about it.
I just get yelled at all day. I really like solving other's problems, but I got no gas left. I was surly on Friday. Seriously, I told people that. 'Don't talk to me, I'm surly'.

2) Filled out FMLA paperwork today for the mom. Shit.
She goes in for surgery on the 27th. I really don't know what to say.

3) New boy is freaking me out.
I like him. I'm good at liking him. He sleeps at my house once a week. He's going through shit, I'm going through shit - but he looked so peaceful on Saturday night. He was beautiful.
I don't need beauty in my companionship right now. I need some fun. I know that I can't mean that much to him - nor he to me. We both have too much baggage. But there is just the little things that make my day. He's super hurt by his ex - I'm super over my ex and I need to figure myself out. How do I deal with this?
I was digging the luck of finding him. Of being honest. We argue politics, topics of the day, music and sports. I go do stuff. I volunteered for the Chididirod on Saturday - he met me at the Hideout after. He had a crap day. I listened. He blew people off to be with me. I like being safe for him - but is he safe for me?

4) March is my second least favorite month.
The god damn birthdays. I swear. Dad is wednesday. Sis is next week. Then mom surgery. Then mom birthday. Then p's anniversary. Let's celebrate while I am freaking out!

5) I owe money. I owe money. I owe money.
I applied for a weekend job at the coffee shop yesterday. I am totally overqualified. I look in awe at my expensive clothes and thank my lucky stars that I was foolish enough to purchase them when I did - I won't be able to anytime in the near future. Shit, I'm in the apple store blogging. I seem to find a way. We owe the IRS $2000 (i'm responsible for $800). All of my friends & family are like I shouldn't pay. He got everything - legally he owes me. But I just want to take care of my crap and get out of the relationship completely. He still owes my parents $3000.
I hate money.

But I write. I volunteer for shopping cart races. My girl won the Oscar for 'Constant Gardener' and made a great speech about LeCarre standing up for people with ideals (!). I got a Lollapalooza ticket for $65. There are things a changing - and there are things a scary.

The Magic Numbers are coming to the Double Door on 4/1. I'll be there.

be very very quiet

I'm sorry Mr. Blog. (Does this blog have a gender?) It is not that I do not love you - it is that there has been a internet crackdown.

However I have worked my booty off this week and I'm savoring the first silence in weeks to update this blog that only I read.

Work is hard. I've lived here this week.

Mom is sick. She is having surgery on her spine (!) and will be out for 3 months.

New boy is still cute. We spend like 2 nights/week together. Lotsa e-mails and good kisses. He made me dinner last night - I was a total stress monkey. It was just so nice to talk about politics, books, music, place - things I was interested in. I got excited about a passage in a book and read it to him. He didn't think I was a dork. Actually he jumped me after that. So the opposite of normal. I'm usually the one doing the jumping. He's also so different. He likes to be in charge of things. He was the president of his condo association - because he wanted to be. So out of my realm of thinking. It's refreshing. Though he tells me that I'm fascinating - which I am unsure how to interpret. I'm going with it and having a good time.

Crazy mean Grandma got a puppy for her birthday. That thing is so damn cute I don't know what to think. It is the perfect gift - it might prevent her from judging others all the time.

I got to housesit for my dog. He was wonderful. It was really weird to be in the old place though. The ex has trashed it - no, not trashed. I just think it was nicer when I was there. I did things like clean the bathtub. Unfortunately it was so cold that weekend so my dog and I didn't get to play outside like I wanted to. I dreamt about him last night. He was running with a tennis ball in his mouth. He looked happy.

It is odd to dream about dogs.

The ex is being difficult. I wanted to help - I wanted to see my dog. I think I brought up hope. How can I be kind (which I want to be) without promising the future? He is still so damn selfish. We owe $2000 (!) to the IRS. I had to argue with him that I did not do this to him. He did not take enough money out of his paycheck. The tax code under Dubya screws people who don't have a house and don't reproduce. It's pretty simple. We had to pay someone $100 to tell us this. I told him this last year and he never believed me. However, we did get $120 back from the state. I hate the president. His behavior just reinforced to me why I left. I can not be responsible for everything. Bad news will not lead to homelessness. His immediate reaction was that he would be evicted and would have to give up the dog. I told him that maybe we could figure out a payment plan.

It's amazing how less stressed I am without him.

So, I'm applying for a weekend job at the coffee shop around the corner. I figure that will help. The therapist is excited b/c she thinks it will make me more social.

I'm also volunteering at the Chididerod this weekend. I have to make people stay in a bar for 20 minutes. Then I get a free show at the Hideout.

I love the Hideout.

I like declaritive statements.